Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Laughter is Good for the Soul

"Let's laugh." Jada often says that to me when sitting on my lap. Then, she'll look at me with a sparkle in her eye and just giggle til she can hardly breathe. I get so tickled at her that I join in. It's contagious! Her ability to laugh at nothing at all has been such a gift to me. She obviously likes the feeling that comes with laughter and when she laughs, I do, too and my stress is lifted for a while.
I have laughed a lot the past few days. Mostly at the antics of my children. Yesterday, Eli got in trouble- major trouble with daddy. After sulking in his room for an hour, he came out with two bags full of necessary supplies. I asked him if he was running away and he told me that he had thought about it, but since Christmas was just a few days away, he was just going to camp in the front yard. I told him that sounded like a great idea- even though it was only 16 degrees outside! :) He lasted an hour. The doorbell rang and Eli asked if he could come inside. He said, "I just can't hack it any longer."
Tonight, we made Christmas cookies. The boys were attempting to make a pregnant gingerbread woman. They used a large gingerbread man cookie cutter to make the mother and then used a miniature gingerbread cookie cutter to make an imprint of "ginger baby". Then, of course, they had to make the whole family! Including grandma and grandpa, who's hands and feet kept falling off because they were so frail! They were having such a good time and got me to laughing so hard that I dropped the unbaked, handless, footless grandma. She ended up in the trash.
My heart is light this evening. I'm tired from the holiday busyness and have much-MUCH- to do before Christmas morning, but the joy of the season has hit me full force. The peace that I know from my Savior has reigned over me during this last year. We have been faced with a lot of difficulty this year- alot of transition, uncertainty and the biggest, of course, Jada's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. My peace, joy and laughter come from knowing that my life is in the hands of Someone who sees the big picture and knows what I don't. I could easily- so easily- allow fear to control me- in fact, it is indeed my greatest fleshly struggle. Many days- the fear wins. Many more days, though, I am able to lean into the strength of my Savior and have unspeakable joy.
Merry Christmas my dear friends!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Answered Prayer

Our oldest, David, turns 10 next week! Holy cow! Where has the time gone? He has grown into such a sweet young man and Jeff and I are so proud of him. He's the kind of boy that you want your daughter to grow up and marry. The only time he's prone to hit someone is if they have done something to cross his little sisters! He's the quiet kind of kid, too. Athletic- he's a great baseball player, but loves more than anything to have a good book in his hands.
He went to public school in Fairbanks, Alaska last year for a few months before we moved. Previous to that he had only been homeschooled. This year again, we enrolled him in public school. We had some concerns for him, because it takes him a while to get settled into a new routine and feel comfortable. He's not the kind of kid that will have ten friends the first day of school- that's our other boy, Eli. We knew that it would be a painful process to watch David go through those first few weeks of school and possibly not connect with some boys his age- it's just the nature of his personality. He always looks before he leaps and chooses his pals with caution. So, Jeff and I began to pray for him. We asked God to give David a good friend- a friend that came from a Christian home and that would be a positive influence. A week or so after school started, we began to hear about this boy named Joseph. As the weeks unfolded, we learned more and eventually met him after school one day. David told us that Joseph is a Christian and that his dad is a pastor! Ok- so far, so good. But how many pastor's kids do you know that were hell on wheels? I certainly have known a few in my time. As David's birthday approached, he asked if Joseph could celebrate with him at Incredible Pizza (it's like Chuck E Cheese- just way more cool). So, yesterday, Joseph came home with us after school and I got to know him a little better. Joseph is from South Korea, he moved here two years ago when his dad decided to go to school at Oral Roberts University. His dad is also a pastor at a local Korean church.
Well, Jeff took the boys to Incredible Pizza and the girls and I came home. Jeff later told me how the night went. He said when they found a spot to sit, the boys sat down with their food and Jeff went to get some drinks. As he was walking back, he looked across the room and saw these two precious boys, with their heads bowed, praying and thanking God for their food. Ten years old. In a public place. Not afraid to give thanks to the One True God. Jeff said at that moment, he knew that God had answered our prayers for David in a very special way.
I am often amazed in the ways that God works. The fact that He is concerned with every intimate detail of our life sometimes shakes me to the core. He knows David, He knows his every need and provides in every way. Maybe I shouldn't be so blown away by this. Many people would say that it's just a coincidence- that they just "happened" to become friends. I know better, because the God I serve has always proven Himself faithful to us and our family.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


"Thanks for helping me with my ninjabread ornaments, mama.", Jada said as we were cleaning up our mess tonight. I busted a gut laughing so hard. I wish I could record what she sounds like- she's so stinkin cute.
We spent a few hours after dinner creating scented ornaments with a recipe from www.familyfun.go.com. I've made these for a few years now and the kids absolutely love doing it. It's a mixture of applesauce, cinnamon and glue- it forms a dough and after about 30 min. in the fridge, you roll it out, cut out shapes with a cookie cutter, punch a hole in it- then of course it takes a day or two to dry. Beware- however- if you are like me and strong scents give you headaches- take some Excedrin before you begin! :) I thought I was going to get a migraine for a little bit, but now that we're done, the headache is going away. The recipe calls for a cup and a half of cinnamon- that gives you an idea of what it must smell like! In years past, I have traced around the kids hands and when Jada was a baby, we did a foot imprint that turned out so cute for a baby's first Christmas ornament.
In other news- Jada's doing ok. She did scare us in the middle of the night. She woke up with an ear ache and cried for about an hour. No fever and her blood sugar was ok, but all I could think of was ketones, ketones, ketones! I never checked because she finally settled down and wasn't having any of her tell-tale ketone symptoms- like puking, wetting the bed, etc.. I think she just got really congested and after laying on one side, it all drained to her left ear. No problems today- we'll see what happens tonight!
Well- off to check the ninjabread ornaments. Oh- one other great thing about these ornaments- we got our cookie cutter fix w/out sugar cookie dough! These babies are CARB FREE!

Saturday, December 6, 2008


Today was the first day all week that I didn't venture out of the house. It was an amazingly relaxing, productive day. Jada did have an unnerving low blood sugar episode today and it hung around a while, but after her numbers started rising, she was right back on track. She woke up from her nap screaming (this was after giving her a snack before her nap 'cause she was on the low side) and disoriented. She was at 50- and wouldn't even eat the candy I offered her. I finally just put some glucose tabs in her mouth and fortunately, she didn't spit them out. I need to get some gel for her because I'm sure there may come a day when I won't get her to chew on anything. After about 45 minutes, she finally perked up and we haven't had any other problems today.
Jeff's birthday was on Thursday and we celebrated tonight with his fave foods- hot wings and sweet potato pie. Everyone chowed tonight-Eli was a bottomless pit and I think he ate more wings than Jeff did and these wings are super spicy. I add all kinds of hot stuff to give them a good, flavorful zippy twang. I also made barbeque wings for the others and Jada got her own special wings with parmesan cheese on them- they turned out a whole lot yummier than I thought they would. The sweet potato pie was sooooo good! A nice break from the traditional pumpkin pie. Jada even got to have a very small slice for her bedtime snack. She was one happy little girl. ;)
I love, love, love, loooove Saturdays! I intentionally make myself to be "stuck" at home. We have just one vehicle, and with taking the boys to school during the week, I am everyone's taxi driver. It's so nice to not have to get dressed, to sit and drink coffee a while and cuddle with my kidddos. There is no place that I would rather be on any given day of the week than my home.
Well, off to check Jada before I go to bed. Let's hope that sweet potato pie is holding out in her little body and that I won't have to wake her up.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It's the Little Things....

"Can I have one, too?" was Jada's question for me as the staff of the Christmas tree farm we went to tonight was handing out candy canes to their guests. I had just taken her blood sugar and she was 206- I had to tell her no and put it in my purse for later. David, Eli and Mary Beth gave me the questioning look- could they have their candy canes right now? I shook my head and when they looked at Jada's face, quietly put them away. I was so proud of them for considering Jada's feelings at this moment. When we got in the rig (Alaskan for SUV), Eli was in the front seat with Jeff, eating his candy cane. I didn't notice until I saw Jada's lips puckered up and tears rolling down her cheek as she stared at him enjoying the coveted candy cane. I cried along with her tonight, hurting so badly with her as we faced the reality of this disease. It's seems so silly, so simple. But these are the things that are hard- the little things. We can handle the birthdays, the holidays, the family get togethers, the trips to McDonalds- because for the most part they are planned for. But, when she is offered a piece of candy or everyone wants to stop for ice cream and then she can only get a diet soda because of her blood sugar, that's tough. The joy of spontaniety is completely removed and I want it back!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

It's Over and We're on Our Own Again

Thanksgiving has come and gone- just like that. My sister, her husband and 3 kiddos were here. What an amazing weekend. Nothing huge happened- didn't do the Black Friday shopping thing. We just hung out. The kids played and didn't fight. My sis and I stayed up way too late on Thanksgiving night- it was 2:30 by the time we were in bed. Just talking- as unimportant the things were that we talked about, the talk itself was so important. I really felt connected to her.
On Thanksgiving, she and I pulled off the big meal all by ourselves. Neither of us had done that before. We pulled it off and it was GOOD! It made us feel quite grown up, actually! ;) It was soooo good, that the kids haven't objected to eating nothing but left overs since then. Nice.
They left to go home this morning. It's always sad to see my family go, even if I know they have to. It would have been a depressing weekend for me if they hadn't come- this weekend is one of the busiest for Jeff at work. A year ago, I was sitting in a hotel room in TX- bored- depressed out of my mind. In a HUGE city where know one knew me. So, I was-am-grateful for their presence over the course of the weeked. Can't wait to see them at Xmas time.
I'm falling asleep as I type, so I need to check Jada's blood and head to bed- unless she needs a snack! Her numbers, by the way, have been awesome! So grateful for many things, but Jada's great numbers top them all!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Heavy Heart

I wish tonight that I could be cheerful and rattle off my Thanksgiving thankfulness list, instead, there are a few people that are weighing heavy on my heart. It's been a tough week for some that I love very much. And I couldn't/can't physically be there for them.
My dear friend Kim lost her brother this week. He was only 47, I think. She lives in Alaska, he in Denver and she had to make an emergency trip (not an easy task when you live half a world away). She managed to make it to the hospital four hours before he passed away. I can only imagine the grief that Kim, her siblings and parents are feeling tonight. His memorial service was earlier today. Tomorrow- she picks up and heads back home to Fairbanks.
The other person, who will remain nameless at this point, last night discovered something that will change her life forever. My heart aches for her and my prayer for her is that she will cease to believe the lies that Satan is telling her and really understand that her wholeness comes from Jesus Christ. Hopefully, I'll be able to share more in the future. I would appreciate any prayers for this sweet, sweet person that I have come to love and appreciate so much.
Jada's blood sugar today was goofy. I'm not sure why- so frustrating. She even had an abundance of excerise! Tonight, we got off schedule and didn't have supper until about 7:30 pm (usually, it's at about 6) and rather than being low, she was much higher than she should have been. We were out getting shopping done for Thanksgiving and I checked her a couple of times, and I thought that by the time we were home, she would be on her way down, but no such luck tonight. She was up by 60! I just hate giving her a shot that late in the evening, but we had no choice. I'm thinking I'm probably going to have wake her up to feed her at midnight to prevent a scary morning low. I won't be able to sleep until I know that she's going to be fairly stable tonight.
Thanksgiving is just a few days away- the holidays are upon us! My sister and her family are coming from Iowa. I can't wait to see them! I have much to do before then! This house needs cleaned from top to bottom. The boys don't know it- but their first day of Thanksgiving break will be spent helping their mama get ready for company! I'm sure they'll be grateful for the opportunity to help me out!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Almost Over

Jeff and I have been doing a Daniel Fast for almost two weeks. We'll be done on Sunday and what an interesting time it's been. With a Daniel fast, food is permitted, but is limited to fruits, vegetables and whole grains (but no bread). We could also have nuts- which really was the only thing that really made us feel full. It's taken from the book of Daniel in the Bible. I thought, initially that it wouldn't be too difficult, but I think that a full fast might have been easier. Who really knows.
Jeff and I participated in this fast with The Church at Battle Creek and it also coincided with us seeking the Lord about some things in our life, so it seemed like a no brainer when the opportunity was presented. For the first week, I was just hungry- all of the time. I spent a whole lot of time in prayer and in the Word and honestly- I can say, that my hunger pains subsided during those times. My mornings were totally thrown off without coffee! Poor Jeff had severe caffeine headaches all week. There were so many times that I wanted to throw in the towel, and made up all kinds of good reasons to quit- almost convinced myself several times. In the end, I decided, that it all came down to character and commitment. I really needed to be able to finish this strongly. So many times, I could have snuck food. Halloween candy has been sitting on the counter in a bowl, in easy reach. I have managed to make it through without succumbing. Now, we just have a few more days and while I wanted to give up tonight when we took the kids to Sonic, Jeff encouraged me to just hang tough a few more days.
Spiritually, it's been interesting. We have definitely experienced some spiritual warfare and when we begin to experience this, we know that God is ready to do something in our lives. I have been thinking a ton about my commitment and relationship with Jesus- am I living out my faith the same way I talk about it? My conclusion....not always. Especially when it comes to relationships with in our family. If I can't walk it on a daily basis with my kids and husband, then I'm not really doing it at all. It all starts at home.
We've also been looking for a place to plug in at church ministry wise. We're looking at a couple of things. One is working with college age group and the other is just leading a small group. I think that will all unfold in the next few weeks and I am super excited to get busy!
I suppose I ought to talk a little about Jada, since this blog was created for her. The little Princess is doing well. Her numbers have been fantastic. Actually, we've had quite a few days, where she was on the low side and I'm wondering if it isn't time to change her correction factor. In this fast, I have dealt with and talked to God alot about her diabetes. I will always ask for her healing and yes, I believe He can do. Whether He will, I don't know. In the dealing with it, I feel like God has lifted some of this burden from my shoulders. He handles things so much better than I do!
Ok- off to check Jada's blood sugar before I head to bed. Hope I don't have to wake her up.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Blogging Diabetes

Today I'm blogging with countless others about this disease and how it has affected my life and Jada's life. My life has profoundly changed since her diagnosis on March 23 of this year. It has been a gruelling, tiring marathon to keep her healthy and to keep her blood glucose numbers in a healthy range. I have had more sleepless nights than even when my babies were tiny. I have shed more tears than I thought possible. There are nights, when Jeff gets home, that I have to be done checking, feeding and dosing because I think I'm going to lose my mind. (Some of you may already think my mind is way gone already!) It's not all been horrible, though.

My joy has come from some expected and some unexpected places.

Psalm 121:1-2 says " I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? " My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth."

The Lord has been my steady hand through all of this. I have asked Him countless times why, why, why. No, He hasn't told me why, but I do know this has caused me to lean even more into Him to get through this.

My husband, Jeff. His patience with me is endless and his willingness to help in any way means more to me than anything. He works very long hours and then comes home and steps up to the plate, giving me some relief. I couldn't get through this without him.

My children. They have always been precious to me, but when Jada had her brush with death, they became so much more. I find myself wanting to cling to every moment with them, knowing that life is short and we don't know when the Lord will call us home.

I also find great joy in good blood sugar readings! Knowing that what I am doing is keeping her healthy, is very rewarding.

I find joy, when I check Jada in the middle of the night, and I don't have to wake her up to feed her!

I'm finding joy in educating myself about diabetes and discovering what foods work best in her little body. I've finally figured out- finally- that when she's low, I can't give her 15 grams of carbs, even if it's at snack time. She'll completely rebound and have numbers well above 200. I have to give her about 6 grams at a time and it helps her to stay in range.

I'm finding joy in the fact that I don't always have to use a calculator anymore to figure out her insulin dosage. I have always disliked math and have never been good at it. I guess practice makes perfect.

My life has continued. We do the same things that we did before her diagnosis with just a little more planning. I am pumped for her future. I think a cure is out there, but even if it doesn't come in her lifetime, I'm quite sure that she can live a long life, even healthier than some who doen't have diabetes. I'm in it for the long haul.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Jada's First Halloween with Diabetes

Whewwwwww......done at last. I don't know why I was so worried about how I was going to handle Jada's first Halloween with Diabetes. And of course, she went as a princess. Fortunately, we weren't gone long, as little legs can only handle so much! Mary Beth took it upon herself to inform every homeowner that Jada was diabetic! I finally had to tell her to stop, because they were all apologizing for not having anything sugar free! Jada got a fair amount of candy and when we went home, I let her pick out a few pieces of candy, got online and looked up the carb count and gave her a shot. I'm interested to see what her numbers are when I check her later tonight. I put her candy up and tomorrow, I think she may decide to exchange her candy for a toy or movie.

So, I'm glad it's done. I know that I have more holidays to look forward to. Thanksgiving shouldn't be too bad, but Christmas will be interesting. We love to cook and bake and fill the kids stockings up with candy. I guess we'll get that figured out, too. One thing I've learned, you just have to take this disease moment by moment (kind of like going through recovery!), taking care of issues as they come up and try- as hard as it may be- to keep a positive attitude.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Jada is getting older and I think, is beginning to comprehend this disease. Yesterday, she told me thank you for "keeping my blood sugar healthy" and that "daddy helps to keep her blood sugar healthy, too." She is 3 1/2 now and is really turning that corner from toddler hood into "big girl" status and along with that comes much understanding. We went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart the other day and they were handing out samples of sugar free gum. Each piece was in a plastic cup and I gave one to Mary Beth and one to Jada. Mary immediately took hers, but I noticed that Jada just held her cup and occasionally, pulled it to her nose to smell it- it was kind of fruity. After about ten minutes, she said, "Mama, can I have this gum?" It had never even ocurred to me that she thought she couldn't have it! Then, I felt bad for not making it clear to her that she could put it in her mouth and instead, tortured her for ten minutes! I was so proud of her, though, for the understanding that she has of this disease and maybe, just maybe, I'm communicating to her in a way that she understands.
My Grandma is still hanging in there. On Thursday and Friday, she seemed to perk up a little bit and now, they think she may have had another stroke last weekend, which was why she was so bad for a few days. However, she is not so improved that she is out of the woods- she could hang in there like this for a while. My dad and aunts have hospice set up for her, and I'm so glad. Hospice is such a great thing and they do amazing things for people in the final days of their life. I'm so glad that Grandma will get better care.
Well, I have things to do before I check Jada and then go to bed. Once again, I have been so blessed and feel so grateful for all God has given me.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Just Checking In

I'm waiting to check Jada, so I thought I would jot down a few mostly happy thoughts.
Jada's blood sugar numbers have been terrific lately! It seems like we have been battling high numbers for the last month, and they have suddenly just straightened out. I'm not sure why, but over the last five days, she has been running near perfect. She's running fairly steady at night and wakes up to awesome numbers. I'm amazed at how excited I am over this. She has been sleeping much better at night, too. Probably because I don't have to wake her up to feed her.
I ordered 3 months worth of diabetic supplies for Jada tonight. Oi vay. Even with good insurance, it was basically a car payment that went out of our banking account today! I am soooo thankful for our insurance- I met an adult type 1 w/no insurance last week and I'm pretty sure he doesn't qualify for assistance. Can't imagine living without insurance. However, her things are on the way and I will be happy to be completely stocked up again!
I received a phone call tonight from my sister. She had spent an hour with my grandma tonight. Grandma took another turn for the worse and is now breathing very shallow. Her blood pressure also dropped significantly. I don't think she has much longer. I have decided not to go back before she passes away and I am really ok with it. I would appreciate prayers for my Grandpa- he is really in denial that she is dying. My dad and my aunts will all be with her tomorrow. It's going to happen very soon.
In the midst of all of this in my own life, I can say that God is good. I have a joy within me that only comes from Him- it's that peace that passes all understanding. I have so much to be thankful for.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

How Do You Say Goodbye?

Last night I received a phone call from my mom- my grandma, they think, is very near death. My dad and his sisters are meeting with hospice this weekend to discuss some end of life things concerning her. Mom encouraged me to send an email to Grandma right away (she's in the nursing home and the nursing home staff will read it to her) because even now she's not very alert and is going downhill quickly.
A few minutes ago, I tried to start the email, but all I could do was cry. How do you say goodbye to someone who has played a huge role in your life? I grew up 3 miles from her- I spent a lot of time at her house as a small child and as a teenager. I loved to be with my grandparents. They were never critical of me, always accepting and a whole lot of fun. When we (myself, my brother and sister) were small, they took us on a cross- country trip to Oregon to a family reunion. They took us camping, took us to Arkansas to see my aunt. Her rhubarb pie is incomparable, as is her apple pie. Grandma was also known for her beef and noodles. The noodles completely homemade with a recipe that was passed down to her. Grandma taught in a one room school house before she married Grandpa. She was a farmer's wife- of that greatest generation. My grandpa was in the Marines during WW II and she gave birth to my aunt while he was in combat on Okinawa. She lived through some of the toughest times in our country. Most of all, she was my Grandma. She loved to spend time with her grandkids- loved to cook for us and we loved to eat her food. Grandma and Grandpa could always be counted on for a game of UNO or dominos. Grandma was a sharp card player- even up until a few years ago.
I think that saying goodbye takes courage- and at this moment, I don't have it. I don't want to let her go just yet, even though I know she's miserable. I know, that she is going from this life into even something greater. In heaven, she will have her voice back, which was taken from her after a stroke. I know this isn't the end, because one day, I will be with her there and am confident of that. Please pray for me, that I have the courage to say goodbye to her in a way that is honoring to her and that would help to give her courage to move out of this world, to be with the Lord.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Getting Settled

For the first time in about a year, I really feel at home. We are getting settled in to a nice routine, I feel like I'm getting Tulsa figured out (not hard to do after moving from Houston, TX). I can see that our church, The Church At Battle Creek, is going to be the place that we will really connect with people and we will really be able to get involved and use our gifts.
This last year has been the most difficult transition ever! We moved from Fairbanks, Alaska to Houston (with a few short stays in Iowa) and finally here to Tulsa. Actually, I believe that one year ago today, we were probably somewhere in Canada along the Alcan (Alaska-Canadian Highway) on my way to my parents in Iowa. It's incredible for me to think that a year has gone by and so much in our family has changed. Years down the road, I will look back and see just how tough this year has been on our family. Moving, living in a hotel (although my boys did think that they were just like Zach and Cody from The Suite Life on Disney!),living in a tiny apartment, diabetes, moving again, taking a break from homeschooling and starting the boys in public school and on top of it, Eli breaking his arm so badly that he needed surgery. I don't want to go through this stuff ever again! (Unless, of course, it's a move back to Alaska!)
Tulsa will be a good place for us. I love our neighborhood. God, once again, gave us great neighbors! The weather, so far, has been great- I'm looking forward to winter coming. I can't wait to get heavily involved in church- I just really need to decide where I want to serve. I'm also really enjoying making our house a home. I have really not been able to do that for a while, and now that we have a house- a nice house- I'm beginning to get a little crazy with it! Jeff is gonna have to hold me back a little!
Yes, I still want to move back to Fairbanks- but I am now more content than I have been in a long time and know that when the time is right, God will open doors for us to return. Right now, I'm going to enjoy being here, living here and developing relationships- because, really, that is indeed what it is all about.

It's Like Bringing Home Your First Baby

Ok- so I just finished my last post a few minutes ago and then went to check Jada's blood sugar. She was at 121, which is actually a great number for her. However, it's not high enough to get her through until morning. So, I attempted to wake her up and feed her some cookies from a 100 calorie snack pack. While I never got her eyes open, I managed to feed her the cookies one by one- it took about 15 minutes to do it. While I was feeding her, I started to think about the most frequent question I get asked- which is- What has life been like since your little girl was diagnosed?
My response:
It has been like bringing our first child home from the hospital. I was nervous about everthing. With a newborn, you worry about sickness, whether they are eating enough, going to the bathroom enough, whether or not they are sleeping enough- wondering why their eyes keep crossing and if they will ever be able to focus. Nursing was difficult with my first child- he was a better sleeper than eater. I was exhausted from trying to feed him in the middle of the night when he really needed to eat, and he just wouldn't wake up unless you got him completely naked!. I would find diapers that had been changed in the middle of the night in different places around the house. Can't tell you how many I would find underneath our bed. I didn't want anyone else to care for our new little one- in my mind, I was barely capable, how could I dare let anyone else watch him? And the greatest thing that I discovered- was that I had this huge capacity for love that I had not formerly known. I would hold David and cry, just because he was mine- the greatest gift the Lord has ever given Jeff and I. I wanted to hold him tight and not let him go, because if I did, I knew he would grow up on me.
So- now- I worry about Jada getting what should be a simple stomach bug, because it could be life threatening. I worry about what and how much I give to her. Do I give her more if she wants more or do I tell her no? I worry when she is too thirsty and wets the bed at night- because when she does, she is way too high, probably has some ketones going on. I worry when she sleeps too long, because she may have passed out in her sleep and I'm gonna have to use that darn glucagon kit. I'm now feeding another child in the middle of the night- her life depends on it. Now- I find used test strips around the house. I always think I throw them away, but manage to find them in odd places. It's not a good thing to find a used lancet on the floor, it kind of hurts when you step on it. As for caring for her, my goodness. It's incredibly difficult to even leave her in the preschool room at church when I'm in the same building- let alone leave her with a babysitter. We've done it, once- but we left for our date after she had eaten, had a shot and a bedtime snack. Our family members at this point are too terrified of this disease to even think about watching her- and I'm okay with that, but I do think about what would happen to Jada if something happened to Jeff and I.
Most of all, I cry. I cry alot. I cried tonight as I held her and helped her get those cookies down. I cry over her several nights a week before I go to bed while praying over her. I hold her a little longer when she wants to cuddle with me. I ask God to heal her and take this from her, but then tell him, "She's yours. She really belongs to You. If this disease brings you greater glory and creates a greater dependence on You for myself, and for Jada, then don't take it away, because we will be better for it."
So, for you parents, who have kids that are newly diagnosed, hang in there. Obviously, you've had a newborn and you made it through some of those slightly scary times- you can make it through this, too!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Another Stellar Moment for Me

I did it again....the second time in two weeks. I grabbed the wrong insulin out of the fridge as I walked out the door to church. And of course, I didn't realize it until she had already eaten about 15 grams of carbs. Fortunately, we were just about ready to leave, so she came home, had her bedtime snack and a nice dose of novolog along with it. Now, I'm wondering what this will do to her numbers. I really try to avoid a shot later in the evening, because it tends to bottom her out. However, she has run in the low 200' s most of the day and I could just see her skyrocketing tonight. It's almost time for me to go and check her- hopefully, I won't have to wake her up to feed her. I'm not sure why she was running high today- she has been a bit sniffly, so maybe she is about ready to get a cold. I'm not sure. We did have a pretty good cold front move through Tulsa- maybe that's part of it.

In other Lincoln family news, I miss having my boys at home! Homeschooling, with all of the transitions we went through- moving, diabetes, moving again- last year left me burnt out. Jeff and I though, are seeing some things that we are not too happy about. The boys aren't getting along as well as they used to. This morning, both of them worked on homework all morning. When I asked them to work together to clean their room and do a few other odds and ends things, they were at each other's throats. Most people would say not to worry about it, but I know my boys. This behavior has become too frequent. David is doing well in school- loves every bit of it and is exceling. He's the kind of kid you can put in any environment and he will succeed. Eli learns very differently than David. He's very tactile and has to be moving all of the time! When he was tested at the beginning of the school year, he tested nearly at a 3rd grade level (he's in 2nd grade), yet he is struggling with some of the most basic things. Traditional school just does not work for him. He is enjoying many things- he has a ton of friends- loves art and music (he still can't do PE b/c of his broken arm). Jeff and I are still struggling as to whether or not we should pull him out. It will be difficult thing for him if we do. I would appreciate any prayers in this area.
We are headed to Kansas City this weekend! We are going to meet Jeff's dad and his wife for a couple of days. I am excited to go back to the church that God used to pull our marriage back together and where Jeff got sober through Celebrate Recovery. It's been two years since we've seen anyone from Rockbrook Church. Fun, fun!
It is time to go and check that little girl. I would really like to go to bed, but hey, that's life with diabetes!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Please and Thank You

Jada recently has taken a somewhat pleasant, unexpected turn in her reaction to taking shots and getting her finger poked. Last night, after dinner, I gave her a shot. No fussing, no running. She turned to look at me and said, "Thank you, Mama". It really took me by surprise. Then, tears. Telling me thank you for a shot? She did it again today, several times after taking her blood sugar and then again after shots. There are times that I see hints of her understanding something of this disease. I talk to her a lot about highs and lows and what causes them- at a level which I think she can understand.
Yesterday, I made cookies. They are the best cookies I have ever eaten. Yummy. Chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. Jada was able to have one after her nap and I told her that at bedtime, she could have one more. She was a little low at bedtime and so giving her a cookie- one cookie- was okay. Well, I talked to my sister in law in Alaska on the phone and left the cookies within arms reach. Big mistake. I have no idea how many cookies she ate, I just know that she woke up at 11:30 pm, not feeling well and with a blood sugar close to 400! She drank at least 32 oz. of water in about 5 minutes time. Jeff and I debated as to whether or not to give her a correction shot- but that also meant we would have to feed her. The last time I tried giving her novolog without food, she came down so fast that we almost had trouble on the other end of the spectrum. I knew her long acting insulin was working (lantus), so we decided to let her come down on her own. She was right around 200 this morning when she woke up- a little high. I'm really glad I didn't give her a shot, because that may have started a bunch of bouncing around with her numbers and I really did not want to deal with that all day. Someday, she will understand the effects of food on her blood sugar, but by the time we get to that point, we'll probably have a host of other things to worry about! :)
On the homefront, all is well. Had parent-teacher conferences tonight and had great reports from the boys teachers. Jeff and I could not be more proud of them- both of their teachers really enjoy them. Mary Beth and David had a collision tonight walking back to the car- he totally plowed over her- knocked her flat. She told me tonight that she just knew that one of hr bones was gone. When we prayed, she asked God to help her sore leg feel better. When she was done, she looked at me and said, "What if God is too busy to help me?" So sweet. We had a long talk about God and His character- I'm sure she didn't understand all of it, but I do think she is beginning to understand just how much God loves her and is concerned for every detail of her life. So precious.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Week in Review #2

I have been meaning to sit down everynight and blog some of my thoughts. It's been an interesting week. Busy.
Monday, the girls had their well child visits. Both of them had to have immunizations. I would have thought that it would have been a breeze for Jada, but she had to be held down by myself and a nurse while the other one gave her the shots. Mary Beth did great and she had four of them. This is the first year that all of us will be getting the flu shot- it's one of those things that we can no longer risk in our family because of Jada's diabetes. She had the flu when she was diagnosed and it was ugly. I can't imagine going through that again.
Tuesday. Hmmm. Oh- we took the kids to Chuck E Cheese after school for an early supper. Not at all busy and then we went for a drive to some places in Tulsa that we had yet to explore. Got a phone call from our good friends, Fred and Kristan Karella in Alaska. They are coming to see us in March. I don't if the kids are more excited or if I am.
Wednesday. We went to our first Nucleus group at The Church at Battle Creek. Small group- which to me is so much better. I am pumped about getting involved there and this class will definitely help with that.
Thursday. Got another phone call from Fred and Kristan Karella. Their nephew was killed in Iraq- pretty sobering. I haven't had something like this hit so close to home for me- ever. I can't imagine the pain they are going through right now. So sad for them.
Today- I got my Oklahoma driver's license! Woo Hoo! I'm also officially a registered voter- on the last day possible to register! Yes- I am a procrastinator!
So... pretty boring blog. I have been thinking about some things, though and in the near future I'm going to have to sit down and think it all through as I blog. Hopefully, I'll come off sounding smart! :)

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Chocolate Strawberries

Tonight, when putting Jada to bed, she told me that she was going to make chocolate strawberries in her dreams. And eat as many as she wanted. This -after a day of her continually asking for food- candy, ice cream, extra milk at lunch and also me catching her sneaking into the kitchen several times to sneak a cracker. She just seemed to have the munchies- maybe she's starting on another growth spurt. Or maybe she just had a carb withdrawal kind of day! So- I listened intently as she described the hopes of her chocolate strawberry dreams and then when we prayed, we asked God if He would give her a good dream about chocolate strawberries. I pray that He does- because in her dreams, she can have as many of those chocolate strawberries as she wants and her blood sugar won't go sky high and she won't have to have insulin to offset those carbs. Only in her dreams.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Blogging in the Dark

It's approx. 11:45 pm and Jada is resting next to me on the couch. The lights are out in the living room and the screen on the computer give me barely enough light to see the keyboard. She's on the couch because I checked her and her blood sugar was 101. I was hoping to go to bed after I checked her, but not tonight. She got to have a big ol' glass of chocolate milk to get her through the night. She was pretty cute while drinking it. All of the sippy cups were in the dishwasher so I had to help her hold the cup while she drank with a straw. Her head bobbed around and I kept having to move the cup in sync with her head! Little sweetie. Now I'm just waiting for her to get into a deep enough sleep so that she will stay in her bed- and not decide to wander into our room any time soon.
My college roommate was here for two nights with her two little boys. It was SO GOOD to see her and to meet her little boys- who are really too cute for words. It's so different to see her in mother mode and she is awesome at it! It's amazing how quickly we picked up right where we left off. I'm so thankful for her friendship.
On Jeff's side, his sister is nearly a week overdue with her baby! I'm sure she' s getting annoyed with me calling to check on her everday! I am so pumped to have a new niece- I just love teeny tinies. I'm hoping to wake up in the morning with news that she has been born! This means a trip to Little Rock soon. Can't wait- love roadtrips.
Ok- once again- falling asleep as I'm typing. Jada is completely out.....time for both of us to go to bed.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bordering on Burnout

I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of burn out. My fuse is becoming very short (uh oh- time to jump back in to a 12-step program) and my migraines are coming back with a vengance. The day to day of this disease is really getting to me. Last night at supper, I asked Jeff to choose whether or not Jada would have milk. Whether she had potatoes or not and then how much. Those are the little things that day by day wear on my mind and wear me out. I know that I'm sleep deprived, with the midnight checks. I don't go to sleep before I check, because I am quite sure that I would slee[ through the alarm and then I would wake up to a comatose child. That's my fear anyhow. I have had to wake her up several times this week to feed her so that she will wake up at a good number. I'm wondering how much longer I can go on like this.
I started a study at my church -The Church at Battle Creek- last week, called Moving On After Moving In--perfect for me. God has once again planted me in the midst of some amazing Godly women. Today we laughed together and listened to each other- one cried- it was beautiful. It has been a long time since I have been able to do that. I left feeling great- wish that feeling would have stuck! Coming home it was just like reality smacked me in the face! However- I do believe I will develop good relationships with some- if not all- of these women. I'm excited.
Jeff had some excitement at the Cracker Barrel today. Taylor Swift- the country music artist- came in and had lunch today! He said she had an "entourage" and the whole place was just buzzing- people snapping photos and taking autographs. I guess Ms. Swift was very nice to everyone! Thought that was very cool.
I am looking forward to the weekend. My dear college roommate is coming for a visit! I haven't seen Sharlene for 8 years! It was her wedding day- beautiful wedding- I cried- alot. She married an Air Force guy and they lived in Japan for the first part of their marriage and are now in TX. I was supposed to see her last spring, but Jada was diagnosed with diabetes and our life kind of went into a tail spin. Shar has two little guys that I've never met and I can't wait to see her in action as a mama!
Ok- it felt good to vent! I'm thinking that if I'm feeling worn out, I need to cut myself some slack and at least try to take a nap. And call my new girlfriends to come over or to head out for coffee. Jeff has been encouraging me to go to the gym- I don't know......sounds painful. :) I will get through- I will survive.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Checking In

I'm super tired tonight, so forgive me if I mispell words or ramble. I'm gonna try to be quick.
Jada has a cold- maybe it's just allergies. It hasn't seemed to affect her blood sugar too much. Hopefully it will pass quickly and with no problems. It kind of freaked me out at first after what happened the last time she got sick. Every thing with her freaks me out anymore!
We got a new bedroom set tonight. It's the one we've always wanted and got an INCREDIBLE deal on it. We actually found it on Craig's List. I love Craig's List.
Ok- I'm sounding stupid. I just need to check her blood sugar and go to bed already. Im falling asleep sitting here.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Mary Beth Turns 5

Mary Beth turned 5 today! I can hardly believe it. When I woke up this morning, she was cuddled up next to me and told her Happy Birthday. I rolled over, trying to go back to sleep and then I heard her say as she sat up, to herself, (sigh) "I am a big girl now." So sweet. In her mind, she has arrived to ultimate big girlness.
So----I made her a Princess cake. The kind that you stick a Barbie doll in and the skirt consists of the cake. It was an all day process and my shoulders ache! But it was so worth it- she loved it and it put a huge smile on her face! We took her shopping today and got some new clothes. Chuck E Cheese for dinner and then cake and presents when we got home. It was a good day.
I totally screwed up Jada's supper time shot- I gave her 3 units of novolog when she only needed 1! I felt like a total heel! Then of course, we were shoving the carbs down her face when we got home. The bright side is, I didn't feel like I had to limit the birthday cake for her! I messed up with the novolog when I added the correction factor to the insulin to carb ratio rather than subtracting because she was low- and when I say low- she was like 63! She's fine now- but kind of scared me.
Ah well. Good day today. So grateful that God has given me 5 years with my Mary Beth. She brings so much joy to my life.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Carb Crap

I'm only going to talk about this once.... I am so tired of keeping track of every single gram of carbs that go inside Jada's mouth!!!!! I don't want to complain, just have to get it "out there". I think I pulled things out of the trash about 10 times today because I forgot to look at the nutrition info before I threw it in the trash! Today I was ready to go completely carb free and let her eat nothing but hot dogs and cheese. Just kidding- mostly.
I had to call her endo this morning because she is running so high at lunch time- usually over 300. She is on the lower side in the morning and the dr. is thinking that Jada is having a rebound effect from her breakfast reading to lunch. So.... the plan is to try to keep her blood sugar above 100 at her breakfast reading and then we again changed her carb to insulin ration for her breakfast novolog only. It's going to get confusing real soon, especially with having different ratios for breakfast. I'll deal with it.
I need to go to bed. She had a terrible night sleeping last night and therefore, I didn't sleep much other. I'm headed for another migraine real soon if I can't get some decent sleep. Ok- no more complaining- tomorrow will be a better day!

Monday, September 15, 2008

It's Monday

Ike left cool weather in Oklahoma when he blew out of here early Sunday morning. He gave us a couple of inches of rain and late Saturday night, blew our patio furniture around in the backyard. He was just one big nasty storm.
Having just moved from the Houston area, my heart is truly hurting for those affected by this storm. We watched the news all weekend- even the boys were interested. We saw so many places that we were familiar with and had been to. The Kemah Boardwalk- it's all under water. We went there the day after Christmas and ate at Joe's Crab Shack. We've heard it's under several feet of water. Galveston- we went 3 or 4 times. All of the landmarks we remember are gone. Freeport and Surfside Beach- beautiful small coastal towns. And most of Houston without power. I can't imagine what it has been like for the residents who remained during the storm and for those who evacuated- and don't know what they are coming home to. I finally received a a FB message from my friend Heidi who lives just outside the metro Houston area and they finally got power back tonight. I'm sure they all did the happy dance when the lights came on!
So- the weather here has been beautiful! We went to supper at Luby's (not my fav place) and then took the kids to one of the River Parks here in Tulsa. Almost needed a jacket. I LOVE this time of year! So comfortable to be outside. So nice to have the air conditioning turned off and the windows open.
I am worn out tonight. There are times that motherhood just absolutely wears on me. My house needs a good cleaning and I just don't have the energy to do it. My two little princesses tend to leave a path of destruction behind them. I remember when the David and Eli were this age, they did the exact same thing. I just find things strewn all over the house. The girls' room looks like a hurricane blew through it over the last couple of days. I think I am just lacking sleep- these middle of the night blood sugar checks are getting to be too much.
Speaking of blood sugars, I am going to try to call tomorrow and speak to one of Jada's endos in TX. She is running high at lunch time and I think her Lantus (long acting insulin) needs to be adjusted. I didn't even try to call today- I was busy and out of the house AND Houston is a major disaster zone. I don't even know if my call will go through when I try tomorrow.
She really surprised me today. We picked David up from school to take him out to lunch and went to a Mexican place. They brought out chips and salsa when we sat down. Jada is normally the first to try to eat a few chips- she loves chips and salsa! Not today- she didn't even ask if she could have any! She kept her little hands away from them. I wonder if she is beginning to understand some of the things she can and cannot eat. I wouldn't have let her have any today (I forgot her insulin and she was high), but if we were at home I would just count out how many she could have and we would adjust her insulin accordingly. She just really surprised me.
Well- I need to go to bed. I would like to numb my mind with something on tv for a while first, though! My brain is tired.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Sleepy Mood

The remnants of Ike made their way to Tulsa this afternoon and evening. So much for rain putting me in a "nesting" mood. I have been sleepy all day. I finally gave in to my tired body at about 2 o'clock. Jada had just had a snack- she was on the low side after a lunch time shot and was so tired that she barely got the last bite in before she crawled on my lap and zonked out. She's such a cuddle bug and has a way of fitting her little body into every curvature of mine so that I barely know she's there. A few minutes later Mary Beth asked to sit on my lap, so I scooted Jada over, put my feet up on the coffee table and within about 5 minutes, all 3 of us were sleeping peacefully on the couch. I woke up an hour later with a crick in my neck and my feet asleep, but it had been a wonderful nap. I had to sit there for about another 30 minutes while the girls finished their nap, but that's ok. It's not too often that I take naps with my girls.
When Jada woke up her blood sugar was 128 at about 4:30. I decided to give her a free snack (cheese) because we would be eating supper at about 5:30. When we took her supper time reading she was over 200! For the life of me, I can't figure what the heck happened. I'm wondering if this weather system- a low pressure system- doesn't have something to do with it. I gave her a shot after supper, but she was still high when I checked her at bed time. Frustrating. I did give her a small snack, but now I will probably kick myself for doing that. If she runs too high, she'll have a hard time sleeping. But, she really drops ALOT at night and I figured that if I don't give her a little something, I might have to wake her up to feed her at 2 am. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I need to go say bedtime prayers with my girls. Jeff is home tonight, so he's got the boys. I'm ready for bed- I could fall asleep right now, actually. I had better go tuck them in.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Another Rainy Day

The past two days have been full of rain. Rain tends to put me into a "nesting" state- not so much the frantic, gotta-get-it-done nesting that comes with the 3rd trimester of pregnancy, but more like, making my home extra comfortable for my family. I'm wanting to make chili, and apple crisp and my fall favorite dessert- pumpkin bars (wonder if Splenda does well with my recipe?). Having cookies fresh from the oven when the boys get home from school. I don't even mind cleaning and doing laundry on these days. Jeff would probably like for it to rain more often!! :)
Jeff and I discussed the boys and school this morning. He really, really misses the boys. One thing I so much appreciate about Jeff is his love for our children and he realizes that no one can replace him. Sending them to public school has been extremely difficult for Jeff, as he works 10 hour days and weekends. He hasn't had a full day with the boys since school started. He often wants to "kidnap" them after school so that they can have some "guy time" without the distraction of neighborhood kids. He is wanting to go back to homeschooling, and I think we eventually will. I have gotten to the point of burn out- for several reasons. This morning we discussed what homeschooling again would have to look like and that I would need much more physical support from Jeff. My days at home with the kids are super long when he is working-and that leaves me to be the one who has to the heavy-handed parent.(Not literally) I don't enjoy that role. I am so grateful that Jeff understands that I have some needs that need met in order to homeschool successfully. I'm not sure when or what it will look like, but homeschooling will be back in play for our family in the future.
It is POURING outside. We need to go and get groceries- not exactly something I want to do with two little girls. Maybe I need to take a nap with Jada!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sleepless Nights

As I mentioned in my last post, Jada's blood sugars have been running so high lately. At times well over 400. We did get her correction factor and I:CHO (insulin to carb ratio for all you newbies to diabetes out there) changed. We're not sure, but think she may be going through a growth spurt right now. We've also had some weather changes over the last few weeks. Who knows- really. I just know that I'm very tired from all of the worry. One night she got so high that she wet the bed. Another night she couldn't sleep and when I checked her she was close to 500! I went ahead and gave her some novolog, but then was worried she would drop to low and stayed up half the night to check on her. I have seen some improvement over the last couple of days since we changed her dosage, but still am not sure. Maybe I just need to give it a little more time. Or maybe I just need to call the endo tomorrow and see what they think. I'm just tired right now. Tired of seeing her not feeling good. Tired of worrying about her A1C levels. Tired of the 2:30 am checks.
Hmmmm........surely I have something positive to post. The boys are doing great in school. Eli is getting much more excited about school and finally seems to be adjusting. Miss Mary Beth is showing signs of some musical ability and I'm thinking I'm going to start teaching her piano. David reads all of the time. His teacher challenged his class to read for 10,000 minutes this school year and he is well on his way to doing it. It's not uncommon for him to come home and read for 2 hours every night on top of his homework! He loves to read! Jada- outside of diabetes- is still our princess. I don't even get her dressed in the morning unless we are going somewhere because she plays dress up all day long. Work is going well for Jeff- he seems to be getting the store turned around and sales are coming back up. I, well, I really need to find some friends here in Tulsa. I'm going stir crazy and need someone to hang with. Hopefully, as we get more involved at church, that will happen.
Well- need to get some laundry going. Jeff should be home soon. Tomorrow is Monday. I need to go to bed early.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

5 Mile Hike

I should be going to bed, but Jada running high tonight and is quite uncomfortable right now. Poor little thing. We've done the bouncing around thing this afternoon and evening and are now paying for it with little sleep. She had a lunch time shot, and then took an extra long nap and woke up low- like at 59. We got her back up easily, but then decided to go for a hike and was on the trail longer than expected and she fell back to 80 by the time we were finished. By that time, it was 7:30 and way past supper time and I always hesitate to give her any novolog after 6:30, because we're chasing lows at bedtime if I do. Well, didn't work so well this time. I didn't think she had too many carbs, but I think the old rebound effect happened and she hit 300 at bedtime. I need to check her- she woke up after an hour of being asleep and had 2 8 oz. sippy cups of water. Probably pretty high. I'm just not sure what to do.
It was a beautiful hike tonight. Turkey Mountain Urban Wilderness Area in Tulsa is a great place to hike with the family! We were only going to do 2 miles, but took the wrong trail. Oops. Guess an extra 3 miles won't hurt to much. Jada was in a pack a good deal of the way. Eli fell three times on his broken arm! David talked our legs off the whole way and Mary Beth was our little trooper. She was in a pack for the first 15 minutes- but walked the rest of the way and did absolutely fabulous! She's too big for the pack anyhow. Hiking in Oklahoma isn't exactly Colorado or Alaska, but it was soooo good to be out on the trail again with the family. I love it. Love the family time that we have. Love the silence of the trail. Not much wildlife to see, but it was beautiful outside. The remnants of Hurricane Gustav left the area this afternoon and left us with beautiful temps in the 70s. Love it. Today reminded me of an Alaskan summer day- cool and beautiful. I'm so ready for fall to come.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Long Weekend

My parents were here for the weekend and left around 8:30 this morning. It was soooo nice to have them here. Mom was so helpful with the kids- gave the girls their baths- even Eli as he has a hard time with a huge cast on his arm. Dad fixed our toilet (I think Jeff really appreciated that!). I showed them around our part of Tulsa and yesterday we went to the mall. We skipped church (oops) in the morning, but it was really nice to just sit and visit. We hadn't seen them since June.
I normally won't talk politics, but will say that I am excited about Sarah Palin joining John McCain on the GOP ticket. She is one tough lady and every Alaskan I know has a tremendous amount of respect for her. She changed the way politics are done in Alaska. I am now excited about the election this year!
At the mall yesterday, I had to test Jada's blood sugar. Mom and dad were getting the other kids some ice cream and went on ahead of me. I had to see where she was at before I could give her a snack and so I sat down on a bench next to an older gentlemen. As I poked her finger, he asked me if she had "sugar diabetes". I told him yes and then said, "You know- she can be healed." I didn't know what to say. He said it in a very kind way and began to share his thoughts on healing and prayer. He asked if he could pray for Jada and then prayed for her to be healed. He encouraged me to believe that God will heal her, fully and completely. "We have not, because we ask not." It was a very strange experience. He took me off guard, but was very nice.
Do I want Jada to be healed? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. Have I asked God to heal her? To take this from her? Absolutely. For the "right" reasons and for selfish reasons! Do I honestly want to have to deal with this for the next fifteen years or more before she is completely responsible for herself? No! And again, last night, after my conversation with this man, I asked again. Because, really, I don't want Jada to have to deal with this disease for the rest of her life. My mother's heart cries for her everytime she has a bad reading- everytime she's feeling crummy because she's been running high all day. Every time I put her to bed and *hope* that I gave her enough carbs to get her through the night. When I wake up in the middle of the night to check her and those few times that I have had to wake her to force her to eat, so that she will wake up in the morning. When the other kids get ice cream and she gets a diet cokeor a stick of string cheese. Or how about when the other kids get a bag of m &m's and she will happily take a few tic-tacs instead. She loves orange tic tacs. My heart cries in fear of her getting a cold or a flu bug, because she could easily end up in the hospital.
I did not choose this life for her. I had no idea that this was a part of His plan. Do I think God intended for her to have diabetes? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes, I think no- really I don't know. But now- it is a part of His plan for her life and for our family's life- because she does have it. Yes- there will be a day when she won't have it any more. Whether it is on this side of eternity, or the next, where she will be complete and whole, I don't know. I DO KNOW- God is Faithful. He is Just. His mercies are neverending. He has given me tremendous joy in the midst of these last five months since she was diagnosed. This disease has reminded me that life is so very precious. It is my hope that as Jada grows older with diabetes, that she, too, will find her wholeness and completeness in her relationship with Jesus. That her identity would be found in Him, and not bound up in this disease. She can live a full and complete life. I do believe that God can heal her- but I also believe that she can be a great testimony and witness while living with this disease.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

LOW, LOw,Low,low

Frustration mounted within me this afternoon as Jada's blood sugar has stayed low! She was over 300 at lunch- needed a shot and I know- I KNOW- I calculated it correctly! An hour later, just before nap time, she was 66! It's a good thing I remembered to check her before she fell asleep! Her ideal, at her age, is 150. Gave her some glucose tabs, then a snack pack- 15 grams of carbs. I waited about 15 minutes, checked her and she was at 90. Good- on the way back up. She took a nap and woke up at 125. Had her normal snack. Then- supper at about 5:30. 63!!!!
AUGGGH! Glucose tabs, huge glass of milk, tortillas and refried beans. She was happy to not have a shot! I was just frustrated- because this is just one of those times that you just shake your head and wonder what the heck happened!
Ahh, oh well. Another day with diabetes. It can be like this at times. I haven't yet found a support group here in Tulsa, but just reading other blogs, visiting other sites, have all been an amazing way to educate myself and to see that we, the Lincoln family, are not the only ones who have this craziness thrown into our lives! I really enjoy reading blogs of adult Type 1's. It really gives me insight as to what it feels like to be running high and running low, what kinds of things Jada will have to face as she grows older and begins to care for herself.

Well- I suppose I should check her. She has told me three times in the last 5 minutes that she is hungry and she is beginning to rummage through the cupboards. (sigh) Always a sign she's low.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Blogging to Blog

There isn't much heavy on my heart to write about. It was a good day. After taking the boys to school, the girls and I came home then took a walk to our neighborhood park. You know, I will say, that while at the park, I forgot about Jada's diabetes for a little while- until we left, then noticed her backpack hanging over her stroller with all her supplies in it. I felt free for a while. It was a good little break.
My oldest niece is engaged. Jeff and I are so proud of her and are very excited as she prepares to begin a new life. She's somewhat special to me. She is my "first" niece- she's Jeff's sister's daughter and I met her when she was about 8 or 9 years old- can't remember exactly. I loved her from the start- she is as beautiful as they come. From the inside out. K has grown into a beautiful young woman and is already an amazing mother. We haven't had the privelege of meeting her fiance yet (they are in Alaska- yes I wish we were there!) but know he must be pretty wonderful to win the heart of K. We love you girl!
I had a "back to school" meeting with Eli's teacher and other parents tonight. It was good- I was impressed. This former homeschooling mom has some high standards and I like what I saw and heard. Of course, I will always "homeschool" to some extent! Eli does seem to be a little stressed out by the transition to public school and is worn out when he comes home at night. I talked with his teacher about it and she said he is doing just fine- she can see some of the stress but is confident that in another week or so, he should be all settled. We went through this with David last year when he started school in Alaska. It wasn't long, however, but he was fully into the routine. I'm sure Eli will do the same.
Well- I need to check the baby boo's blood sugar before I head to bed. She was actually running on the low side at supper tonight, and then we could hardly get any carbs down her! She kept telling us that she was "stuffed"! Of course, then running low at bedtime and Jeff got her to eat a big bowl of cereal with milk. Hopefully that will do the trick! Just you wait- she'll be sky high when I go to check her- love that rebound effect. Oh well. What can ya do?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Homesick for Far Away

I have found myself missing my Alaskan life and friends alot lately- almost to the point of tears this past week. It's been nearly a year since we left, but the ache to return continues to grow deeper. It's really hard to LIVE when you think you should be somewhere else. Really hard to connect with people when you don't know how long you'll be somewhere. It's not that I'm not enjoying our move to Tulsa- it's a great town. We have a great church and I really think I will make some good friends here. When we moved to Alaska, I felt as though I was living the life that I was meant to live. Moving away- well, it was somewhat anti-climatic.
However, as I look back over the last year, I can't help but be very thankful for several things. First off- if Jada had been diagnosed with diabetes in the middle of a Fairbanks winter- I can't imagine how things would have turned out. Health care in Interior Alaska has a lot to be desired. They would have had to have flown her to at least Anchorage- possibly Seattle- she was so sick. God moved us to Houston, Texas- in arm's reach of Texas Children's Hospital, among the best in the world. She received superior care while there, and we received outstanding education on the disease and how to take care of her. Had we been in Alaska, it would have made the transition to living with this disease much more difficult.
Second- my grandma. She is in her last stages of life and it would have been devastating to think that I wouldn't be able to come home to see her or to come to her funeral. Grandma played a huge role in my life growing up and I have always felt very close to her.
Third- our marriage. I have spent 11 years with the most brilliant person I know. He has struggled with alcohol and drug abuse (3 1/2 years sober now!) and I have struggled with codependency and anger. We have spent the last 3 1/2 years rebuilding our marriage and learning how to have a "healthy" relationship. This last year, God has taught me so much about grace and forgiveness. It's not been easy, but Jeff has modeled so much grace to me and is so very patient with me and I find myself wanting more than ever to do the same for him. I married a man with a true servant's heart!
So- I know that we will return to Fairbanks someday. I would leave tomorrow if I could. I try to stay positive about it. However- it's only a good thing for Jada to be a little further into diabetes and we have some more experience with it before we take her to Interior Alaska. It's only a good thing to be out of debt before we go back- after all, the cost of living there is incredibly high. I recently found out that it's going to cost one of my girlfriends and her husband over $17,000 to heat their home this winter! It's only a good thing to wait on the Lord- His timing is perfect.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Two in Tow

I took both of my boys to school today! Eli was finally able to go after getting a permanent cast on yesterday! He was so excited yesterday to finally go to school. This is his first time in public school, as we have homeschooled up until this point. When he woke up this morning, he was so nervous that he couldn't eat breakfast. When we got there, he hesitated to go in the classroom door. His teacher greeted us and one boy even walked up to Eli and asked how he broke his arm. When I turned to go, I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye, because I was so afraid that he would see that I was nervous for him. If I know him, he will settle in quickly and have 10 best friends by the end of the day- he won't be able to tell me anyone's name, but he will have had a blast! :)
Now I'm home with just two. I feel a little lost. Not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Cleaning? Cooking? Laundry? I haven't had two in tow since before Mary Beth was born. Interestingly enough, the girls are the same age as the boys were when Mary Beth was born. (Did ya get that?) So here I am again. No lesson planning to do. No corraling the boys and saying time to start school. I miss them both already. I sound sappy, I know, but I really enjoy having them around.
Well, I'm just rambling now. I should clean my bathroom or something. Just feeling a little.....lost.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Break My Heart

Just put my Baby Boo to bed, with all of our normal bedtime routine. When it came time to say prayers, she put her hands on my face and looked me squarely in the eye and said, "Mama, I am very sick." I asked her why she would say that and her reply was "I have dibeteees"(her pronunciation). How do you explain to a 3 year old that for the most part, she is very healthy and that her pancreas just got all screwed up? Broke my heart, it did.

A Good Day So Far

I'm having a good day so far "mentally" with Jada's D. Today, diabetes feels doable. I love these days because I've had quite a few difficult ones over the past couple of weeks. She's doing great in spite of higher than normal blood sugars at lunch time- it messes with my mind, not hers at this point. If I could just not think about it for a few minutes or hours.
Maybe I feel a little better today because I met with our new pediatrician yesterday. We just moved to Tulsa a month ago and put off (laziness) finding a new dr. Even had to call our dr.'s in TX during the middle of the night when she got sick w/ketones reading 3.9. Have a good referral for a ped. endo here and need to get an apt scheduled today. Also, need to talk to some CDE's for some ed classes. We weren't able to get out sick day management class in before we moved- so it was frightening when she got sick and I felt so very alone! Fortunately, we have amazing dr.'s in TX and they walked me through step by step what do and at what point I should take her into the hospital. Fortunately, it never got to that point and she recovered quickly.
It is hard to stay positive! But Ihave to! I think I would go crazy if I didn't. I'm beginning to think that I may have to live the rest of my life wondering if her BG is up/down/okay. In many ways, D. is a very normal part to our life, but mentally- I think the diagnosis is still too fresh and one day- maybe I won't think about it so much.

Monday, August 18, 2008


It's Monday morning and I just finished doing Mary Beth's hair. So much fun. Will I ever tire of making my girls look pretty and doing all of that fun "girl" stuff with them? I feel so blessed to have 2 boys and 2 girls. After I had the boys, I had three miscarriages. I wondered if even I would have more children- definitely thought I lost my chances for a girl. Boys run strong on both sides of the family and in my head, I just knew there would be no little girls in my future.
Then, I got pregnant with Mary Beth and had an awesome ob/gyn who put me on baby aspirin as a possible treatment. It worked and when the ultra sound tech informed me that we were having a girl, I could hardly contain myself. I immediately went to Baby Gap and bought the cutest little pink flowery coming home outfit that I could find. Done with baby blue!
Mary Beth was born as sweet as little girls come. When she started talking, she called Jeff "honey" and she, ever since then, has had the nickname "Sweetie". For a long time, when people would ask her what her name was, she replied "Daddy's Sweetie". Mary Beth doesn't know a stranger- she is a little social butterfly and as she is getting older, is showing an independent side to herself that, in many ways, has been good. She likes to try new things and do things by herself.
This morning, she wanted to "smell" like me! That's good, I guess! She asked to take a shower "all by herself" (I did supervise) and then asked for mousse in her hair and then for a blow dry.
When we were done, she said, " I don't smell like the puppy! I smell good!" (She packs our peke a poo- Muffin- around like a rag doll!) After checking herself in the mirror she said, "I am soooo beautiful!" Then- "Can I wear some of your makeup?" I had to say no to that one!
She is beautiful. All the way from the inside out. Sometimes I fear that someone will come along and crush her beautiful spirit. She loves people and has such an innocence about her and I wonder how long I will be able to help her to preserve that innocence.
I have been given a gift with two girls. As I raise them, God has put some challenges before me. I am their role model. I am their picture of what a wife and a mama should be. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that my greatest struggles very well could be their greatest struggles in life- just continuing the behavior patterns that exist in families. Am I living a life of faith- depending on God and not seeking approval from men about the way I live my life? If I can- then this will be the greatest legacy I can leave my two precious girls!

Sunday, August 17, 2008


Today is Sunday. One of my favorite days. I don't feel the pressure on Sundays to clean the house or do laundry. It's one of those excusable days to do nothing. I take it very seriously! :) Today I made fettucine alfredo, let the kids have soda for lunch (Sprite Zero for Jada), websurfed, spent about an hour on the piano and got afternoon snacks for the kids. They'll be wanting a little something for supper after while, but it's Sunday, so they might just get popcorn. The kids have played well today. Sometimes outside, sometimes inside, but no fighting. It's just been a very nice day. Oh- I did go to church today! Wouldn't be Sunday without church.
Jada's blood sugars have still been a little crazy. Mostly on the high side. We increased her Lantus dose 2 weeks ago and have also gone to a lunch time shot if she needs one. Her morning blood sugars have been good, but then she runs high the rest of the day. Today, she was over 300 at lunch! Then, she had 36 grams of carbs for her meal- absolutely had to have a shot of Novolog. I checked her after lunch right before her nap and she was at 96- that's a good blood sugar for someone a few years older, but for her at 3 years old, it's too low. Gave her half a banana and hoped it wouldn't spike her too much! She slept for an hour and a half and when she woke up, her blood sugar was 136! AWESOME! 150 is her ideal. So- rather than giving her a carb free snack, she was able to have 15 grams of carbs and it shouldn't cause her to go sky high.
Hopefully, she'll be looking good at supper time.
It's amazing how these simple little numbers can play with your mind. It can be overwhelming at times, especially when we are not sure what is causing her blood sugars to spike like they have been. When we were in Texas, we were swimming almost everyday and that really reduced the need for Novolog. Jeff and I wonder if the absence of that particular kind of exercise is making a difference. Jada doesn't sit all day- she is a very busy little girl who runs all over this house. I can hardly keep up with her most of the time. Most likely, though, she is just coming out of that honeymoon phase. Hate to think of it, but it's probably happening.
I look at her, though, and am so thankful that her diagnosis was diabetes. When we were in the hospital, we saw families who wouldn't be leaving with their children, we saw teeny tiny babies on life support and feeding tubes. Kids with cancer. It really helps me to stay positive when I think about what it could have been. I also try to look at it as an opportunity for me to learn how to be healthy and teach Jada how to be healthy- through diet, exercise and by following Jesus. I don't ever want her to have a poor me attitude- a victim mentality. As she grows, my desire is for people to look at her and be surprised when they find out that she is diabetic. I want her to live a joyfilled, God-filled life- not fearing what's ahead, but meeting whatever it is head- on and knowing that it's not a surprise to God. Not just for Jada, but for all of my kids.
Okay- I must go. 5:30 is supper for Jada and it will mess her up big time if she doesn't it soon. I'm behind schedule already.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Week in Review

Wow- what a week it has been! It started off okay. The boys were looking forward to school getting started and enjoying their last few days of summer vacation. I was intentionally easing up on their daily chores so that they could play outside as much as they wanted. Monday was a great day! We finished the enrollment process for their new school and on Tuesday, we went to check out the campus and buy school supplies. We had to hold off on room assignments until Wednesday because we were so late in getting registered. Then Wednesday morning came.
Wednesday started off with the kids getting up bright and early as usual. Jeff had to be at work at about 5 am, so he was gone by the time everyone else was up and around. The boys ate breakfast and went outside to play with their new neighborhood friends (we've only been here a month). At about 10:30 am, Eli runs screaming into the house-his right arm hanging in a very awkward fashion. I knew immediately that his arm was broken. I detailed that in another post. A very long day. All plans were immediately put on hold and Eli has to wait until next Thursday to start school. I was hoping we would only have one bad day, but why not Thursday, too?
David's first day of school. He is our oldest at the age of 9 1/2. He is one awesome kid- dependable, considerate, helpful- a very sweet personality. Also athletic- talented gymnast- loves baseball and basketball. He is not incredibly outgoing, a little on the shy side. He enters new situations with caution and tends to scope out the new territory and its inhabitants before throwing himself right in. I really like that about him. He's all about fairness and doing the right thing.
So- Jeff takes him to school, drops him off and it's looking like things are going well. The plan is for me to pick David up at 3:30 when school gets out. Meanwhile, I'm at home caring for a very sore Eli who can't stand for more than 5 minutes at a time because he is just so worn out from the previous days events. At about 3:10 I load up the kids in the rig (thats Alaskan for SUV) and drive to school and wait with the other masses of parents for their kids. Eli was doing ok, actually feeling pretty decent at this point. At 3:30, school is let out and now masses of children are coming out of the building. The kids are tired of sitting, so I pull everyone out of the rig and go to look for David, because there was no way he could find us where we were parked. I couldn't find him. I knew I was in the right spot to pick him up, but he wasn't there. Soon, I realize that most of the kids are gone and that David must have ended up somewhere else. We head towards his building (Eli was being a little trooper in the hot sun) and when we get there, inform the secretary that I can't find David. At this point, his teacher walks in the door and she at that point realizes that David didn't say good bye to her like the rest of his class and thought that he had found me already. We head back to the pick up area, all the while scoping the campus for him. The secretary had sent out a message on all of the walkie talkies that David was missing. At the pick up area, he was nowhere to be found and at this point, the campus principal got involved, sending out more messages on the walkie talkies (people with walkie talkies were positioned all over campus). We head back to his building (Eli was almost to the point of exhaustion) and David had been missing now for more than 10 minutes. As we are walking back, his teacher decides to check in the after school care area as we go to search David's building. About 2 minutes later, we hear her yelling for us and she had David with her. What a relief. There is nothing worse than not knowing where your child is at! I wanted to cry, but held back the tears. He had misunderstood where he was to go and went to the wrong pick up area. The supervisor of that area had shuffled him into after school care when he was the last one there, misunderstanding where he was supposed to be. David didn't even know he had been lost! Other than that, he loves his new school, teacher and class! Now- that was supposed to be the end of the bad week. But why shouldn't Friday be bad, too?
I woke up with a headache (not my "usual" migraine kind, but it covered my entire head and throbbed- my migraines start at the base of my skull and work their way up) and also feeling nauseous. I told myself that if I just get up and get moving, that it will go away. I was wrong about that! Took Jeff to work, took David to school and by the time we got home, I was feeling so sick that I couldn't even stand up. My headache was better, but my stomach was not. I spent the day on the couch. Eli, bless his heart, was feeling much better and was just as helpful as he could be with one arm. He even offered to make lunch for the girls with one arm! He even started movies for them and prevented them from out the front door several times! I kept telling myself that I was getting better, but by about 2 o'clock, I had made a trip to the bathroom- the first of many. I did manage to get a shower taken and my hair fixed- but the smells of all my hair styling stuff made me sick again. It was time to go pick David up. I grabbed some plastic grocery bags, just in case I needed them in the car while waiting and of course, I did. David didn't get lost this time- his teacher handed him off to me! When we got back in the car, I was sick again! Went home for about 45 minutes and then had to get Jeff. More plastic bags, but I did feel as if I was getting better. Traffic getting to Cracker Barrel was awful and the motion made me sick! I have never thrown up while driving, but I guess there is a first for everything- even at the age of 34! So thankful for Wal-mart bags! Finally- I was no longer alone and had someone else to take care of the kids. We picked Jeff up and he dropped me off for some quiet rest while he took the kids out to eat. At about 9 pm, I felt better and cleaned a house that had been trashed by a 3 and 4 year old.
Today is Saturday. I feel better today, but somewhat worn out. Eli feels much better and is starting to get bored with having just one arm! David enjoyed his first few days at his new school in spite of getting lost and so far, today has held no drama. I'm gonna chill today!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Hospital Again....

Yesterday sent our family to the local ER again! Not for Jada this time, but for our 8 year old boy, Eli. He was outside playing on his skateboard when he hit the curb and broke his arm. Compound fracture. He came running in the house screaming and I knew immediately he wasn't being overly dramatic, as he can be sometimes. The arm was bent the wrong way and there was blood on his shirt sleeve. I'm more than a tad bit squeamish and was so happy he had chosen to wear a long sleaved shirt yesterday. I was afraid that his bone had penetrated the skin and when my husband took him to the hospital, sure enough, it had. He was in surgery for an hour to reset it and had to have a pin put in. Poor little guy. Felt so bad for him.
Eli is one of those kids that people are drawn to and has such an outgoing personality. He is a very talented gymnast (guess we'll have to put that on the shelf for a while!) and would like to be Bear Grylls (Man vs Wild) when he grows up. He's just a fun kid with a spunky personality. He hates to sit and watch tv all day, so this having to sit around for a few days hasn't sat real well with him. After about 30 minutes of tv today, he told me he had enough of it and asked to turn it off. Gotta love a kid who hates the tv. He's so busy.
Eli was one of my biggest babies. He came out loving to eat- he still does and he will eat almost anything you put in front of him with Tabasco sauce on top. That kid gained a pound over his birthweight 5 days after he was born. My only memories of Eli's first 6 weeks are nursing and changing diapers. He wasn't a fussy baby, but he just came out a little firecracker.
In some ways, this injury is nice (isn't that awful?) because he needs me once again. So nice to feel needed by one of my boys. Of course, he can't do nearly anything by himself right now with one hand and my day was spent cutting up his food, helping him to sit up, adjusting his sling, getting him to the correct website to play his favorite games with one hand, all kinds of things.
Well- these past two days have made me so tired that my eyes are shutting as I type. I'll have to do this tomorrow.
Good Night.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Ups and Downs

Jada baffled me today with some strange blood sugar readings. She was high at lunch, but we decided not to give her a shot. At snack time she was lower than she should be, supper was a good reading and she didn't need a shot. She had about 20 grams of carbs- then at her bedtime snack- she was only at 96 and in order to get through the night without bottoming out- she really needs to be above 150 and maybe even have up to 30 grams of carbs for her bedtime snack. Tonight, she got to have a big bowl of ice cream and then, I let her have some bread and butter. It scares me to think that she could go so low at night from her insulin, that she may slip into a diabetic coma.

These days that she swings so much is difficult. For me, yes, as I wonder what is going on inside of her little body- but much more difficult for her. She is just not herself. She gets moody. A 3 year old shouldn't have to complain about headaches, but when she gets too high, she gets a headache. She can't seem to relax- forget about a good nap which she desperately needs at this age. I need her naps, too! She's such a busy little girl!
One of these days, we'll get her straightened out and I will figure out what's making her swing so much right now.
In other Lincoln family news, we got a piano today. I am so glad for this as playing is such a stress release for me. The piano was free off of Craig's list and was in pretty good shape until we got a hold of it! It had a rough homecoming, to say the least. It still sounds great, it's just a little more beat up. It fell over in the trailer on the way home and we had a horrible time getting it set back up- they are just a tad bit heavy! The top got a little (ok- alot) banged up. But it still sounds great. I can't wait to get my music out!


We often hear the word "authenticity" in our walk with God. Usually, it's in reference to our aquaintances and unsaved friends. We want them to see the real deal, what it means to be a follower of Jesus. In my experience, talking about myself- not others, it's easy to put on a big show of being "authentic". Appearances are easy to make- letting others think that we have it all together.
However, where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, is in my family. My kids and my husband see the "real" me. More than anything, I want my kids to see me being authentic and real to them about my relationship with Jesus. Do my words and my actions mesh together? Am I living in unity with Jeff? Am I extending grace to my kids and also disciplining them appropriately? Are the words that I speak to them life giving or do I kill a part of their spirit if I get annoyed or frustrated with them? They will get their picture of God from Jeff and I. The grace that I have experienced in my life from God is unmeasurable- I don't deserve the gifts He has gvien me- should I not extend this grace to my children as well?
The battle I fight the most is my temper (I hid this well from those outside our family for many years-I'm getting very real here) and also shortness with my kids. A good friend of mine also struggles with this and she once gave a talk on the words we speak to our children- how they can breathe life into our children or how we can suck the air right out of them. I have failed miserably at this and now pray that God's grace will be sufficient for them as they grow and someday have to face the wounds that I have inflicted. Jeff is so patient with me in this area and has always been very slow to anger- not just with the kids, but to me as well! I often feel I don't deserve this kind of patience!
One thing I have learned, that when we try to fight battles secretly, the enemy wins. There is a verse in James that says, "Confess your sins to one another, so that you may be healed". This is so true! When I am out of fellowship and accountability, I fail. And I don't just hurt myself- I hurt my family. How can I go and put on a happy face in public, when not only I'm miserable, but my family is miserable. What does this teach my children? This teaches my children that it's ok to lie about how things really are and it's better to be a poser. I want to teach them grace and forgiveness. That we can only reach others when we are authentic to the point of putting all of our shortcomings out there and receiving grace from our brothers and sisters and from our Heavenly Father.