Blogging in the Dark

It's approx. 11:45 pm and Jada is resting next to me on the couch. The lights are out in the living room and the screen on the computer give me barely enough light to see the keyboard. She's on the couch because I checked her and her blood sugar was 101. I was hoping to go to bed after I checked her, but not tonight. She got to have a big ol' glass of chocolate milk to get her through the night. She was pretty cute while drinking it. All of the sippy cups were in the dishwasher so I had to help her hold the cup while she drank with a straw. Her head bobbed around and I kept having to move the cup in sync with her head! Little sweetie. Now I'm just waiting for her to get into a deep enough sleep so that she will stay in her bed- and not decide to wander into our room any time soon.
My college roommate was here for two nights with her two little boys. It was SO GOOD to see her and to meet her little boys- who are really too cute for words. It's so different to see her in mother mode and she is awesome at it! It's amazing how quickly we picked up right where we left off. I'm so thankful for her friendship.
On Jeff's side, his sister is nearly a week overdue with her baby! I'm sure she' s getting annoyed with me calling to check on her everday! I am so pumped to have a new niece- I just love teeny tinies. I'm hoping to wake up in the morning with news that she has been born! This means a trip to Little Rock soon. Can't wait- love roadtrips.
Ok- once again- falling asleep as I'm typing. Jada is completely out.....time for both of us to go to bed.

Bordering on Burnout

I feel as if I am teetering on the edge of burn out. My fuse is becoming very short (uh oh- time to jump back in to a 12-step program) and my migraines are coming back with a vengance. The day to day of this disease is really getting to me. Last night at supper, I asked Jeff to choose whether or not Jada would have milk. Whether she had potatoes or not and then how much. Those are the little things that day by day wear on my mind and wear me out. I know that I'm sleep deprived, with the midnight checks. I don't go to sleep before I check, because I am quite sure that I would slee[ through the alarm and then I would wake up to a comatose child. That's my fear anyhow. I have had to wake her up several times this week to feed her so that she will wake up at a good number. I'm wondering how much longer I can go on like this.
I started a study at my church -The Church at Battle Creek- last week, called Moving On After Moving In--perfect for me. God has once again planted me in the midst of some amazing Godly women. Today we laughed together and listened to each other- one cried- it was beautiful. It has been a long time since I have been able to do that. I left feeling great- wish that feeling would have stuck! Coming home it was just like reality smacked me in the face! However- I do believe I will develop good relationships with some- if not all- of these women. I'm excited.
Jeff had some excitement at the Cracker Barrel today. Taylor Swift- the country music artist- came in and had lunch today! He said she had an "entourage" and the whole place was just buzzing- people snapping photos and taking autographs. I guess Ms. Swift was very nice to everyone! Thought that was very cool.
I am looking forward to the weekend. My dear college roommate is coming for a visit! I haven't seen Sharlene for 8 years! It was her wedding day- beautiful wedding- I cried- alot. She married an Air Force guy and they lived in Japan for the first part of their marriage and are now in TX. I was supposed to see her last spring, but Jada was diagnosed with diabetes and our life kind of went into a tail spin. Shar has two little guys that I've never met and I can't wait to see her in action as a mama!
Ok- it felt good to vent! I'm thinking that if I'm feeling worn out, I need to cut myself some slack and at least try to take a nap. And call my new girlfriends to come over or to head out for coffee. Jeff has been encouraging me to go to the gym- I don't know......sounds painful. :) I will get through- I will survive.

Checking In

I'm super tired tonight, so forgive me if I mispell words or ramble. I'm gonna try to be quick.
Jada has a cold- maybe it's just allergies. It hasn't seemed to affect her blood sugar too much. Hopefully it will pass quickly and with no problems. It kind of freaked me out at first after what happened the last time she got sick. Every thing with her freaks me out anymore!
We got a new bedroom set tonight. It's the one we've always wanted and got an INCREDIBLE deal on it. We actually found it on Craig's List. I love Craig's List.
Ok- I'm sounding stupid. I just need to check her blood sugar and go to bed already. Im falling asleep sitting here.

Mary Beth Turns 5

Mary Beth turned 5 today! I can hardly believe it. When I woke up this morning, she was cuddled up next to me and told her Happy Birthday. I rolled over, trying to go back to sleep and then I heard her say as she sat up, to herself, (sigh) "I am a big girl now." So sweet. In her mind, she has arrived to ultimate big girlness.
So----I made her a Princess cake. The kind that you stick a Barbie doll in and the skirt consists of the cake. It was an all day process and my shoulders ache! But it was so worth it- she loved it and it put a huge smile on her face! We took her shopping today and got some new clothes. Chuck E Cheese for dinner and then cake and presents when we got home. It was a good day.
I totally screwed up Jada's supper time shot- I gave her 3 units of novolog when she only needed 1! I felt like a total heel! Then of course, we were shoving the carbs down her face when we got home. The bright side is, I didn't feel like I had to limit the birthday cake for her! I messed up with the novolog when I added the correction factor to the insulin to carb ratio rather than subtracting because she was low- and when I say low- she was like 63! She's fine now- but kind of scared me.
Ah well. Good day today. So grateful that God has given me 5 years with my Mary Beth. She brings so much joy to my life.

Carb Crap

I'm only going to talk about this once.... I am so tired of keeping track of every single gram of carbs that go inside Jada's mouth!!!!! I don't want to complain, just have to get it "out there". I think I pulled things out of the trash about 10 times today because I forgot to look at the nutrition info before I threw it in the trash! Today I was ready to go completely carb free and let her eat nothing but hot dogs and cheese. Just kidding- mostly.
I had to call her endo this morning because she is running so high at lunch time- usually over 300. She is on the lower side in the morning and the dr. is thinking that Jada is having a rebound effect from her breakfast reading to lunch. So.... the plan is to try to keep her blood sugar above 100 at her breakfast reading and then we again changed her carb to insulin ration for her breakfast novolog only. It's going to get confusing real soon, especially with having different ratios for breakfast. I'll deal with it.
I need to go to bed. She had a terrible night sleeping last night and therefore, I didn't sleep much other. I'm headed for another migraine real soon if I can't get some decent sleep. Ok- no more complaining- tomorrow will be a better day!

It's Monday

Ike left cool weather in Oklahoma when he blew out of here early Sunday morning. He gave us a couple of inches of rain and late Saturday night, blew our patio furniture around in the backyard. He was just one big nasty storm.
Having just moved from the Houston area, my heart is truly hurting for those affected by this storm. We watched the news all weekend- even the boys were interested. We saw so many places that we were familiar with and had been to. The Kemah Boardwalk- it's all under water. We went there the day after Christmas and ate at Joe's Crab Shack. We've heard it's under several feet of water. Galveston- we went 3 or 4 times. All of the landmarks we remember are gone. Freeport and Surfside Beach- beautiful small coastal towns. And most of Houston without power. I can't imagine what it has been like for the residents who remained during the storm and for those who evacuated- and don't know what they are coming home to. I finally received a a FB message from my friend Heidi who lives just outside the metro Houston area and they finally got power back tonight. I'm sure they all did the happy dance when the lights came on!
So- the weather here has been beautiful! We went to supper at Luby's (not my fav place) and then took the kids to one of the River Parks here in Tulsa. Almost needed a jacket. I LOVE this time of year! So comfortable to be outside. So nice to have the air conditioning turned off and the windows open.
I am worn out tonight. There are times that motherhood just absolutely wears on me. My house needs a good cleaning and I just don't have the energy to do it. My two little princesses tend to leave a path of destruction behind them. I remember when the David and Eli were this age, they did the exact same thing. I just find things strewn all over the house. The girls' room looks like a hurricane blew through it over the last couple of days. I think I am just lacking sleep- these middle of the night blood sugar checks are getting to be too much.
Speaking of blood sugars, I am going to try to call tomorrow and speak to one of Jada's endos in TX. She is running high at lunch time and I think her Lantus (long acting insulin) needs to be adjusted. I didn't even try to call today- I was busy and out of the house AND Houston is a major disaster zone. I don't even know if my call will go through when I try tomorrow.
She really surprised me today. We picked David up from school to take him out to lunch and went to a Mexican place. They brought out chips and salsa when we sat down. Jada is normally the first to try to eat a few chips- she loves chips and salsa! Not today- she didn't even ask if she could have any! She kept her little hands away from them. I wonder if she is beginning to understand some of the things she can and cannot eat. I wouldn't have let her have any today (I forgot her insulin and she was high), but if we were at home I would just count out how many she could have and we would adjust her insulin accordingly. She just really surprised me.
Well- I need to go to bed. I would like to numb my mind with something on tv for a while first, though! My brain is tired.

Sleepy Mood

The remnants of Ike made their way to Tulsa this afternoon and evening. So much for rain putting me in a "nesting" mood. I have been sleepy all day. I finally gave in to my tired body at about 2 o'clock. Jada had just had a snack- she was on the low side after a lunch time shot and was so tired that she barely got the last bite in before she crawled on my lap and zonked out. She's such a cuddle bug and has a way of fitting her little body into every curvature of mine so that I barely know she's there. A few minutes later Mary Beth asked to sit on my lap, so I scooted Jada over, put my feet up on the coffee table and within about 5 minutes, all 3 of us were sleeping peacefully on the couch. I woke up an hour later with a crick in my neck and my feet asleep, but it had been a wonderful nap. I had to sit there for about another 30 minutes while the girls finished their nap, but that's ok. It's not too often that I take naps with my girls.
When Jada woke up her blood sugar was 128 at about 4:30. I decided to give her a free snack (cheese) because we would be eating supper at about 5:30. When we took her supper time reading she was over 200! For the life of me, I can't figure what the heck happened. I'm wondering if this weather system- a low pressure system- doesn't have something to do with it. I gave her a shot after supper, but she was still high when I checked her at bed time. Frustrating. I did give her a small snack, but now I will probably kick myself for doing that. If she runs too high, she'll have a hard time sleeping. But, she really drops ALOT at night and I figured that if I don't give her a little something, I might have to wake her up to feed her at 2 am. Oh well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
I need to go say bedtime prayers with my girls. Jeff is home tonight, so he's got the boys. I'm ready for bed- I could fall asleep right now, actually. I had better go tuck them in.

Another Rainy Day

The past two days have been full of rain. Rain tends to put me into a "nesting" state- not so much the frantic, gotta-get-it-done nesting that comes with the 3rd trimester of pregnancy, but more like, making my home extra comfortable for my family. I'm wanting to make chili, and apple crisp and my fall favorite dessert- pumpkin bars (wonder if Splenda does well with my recipe?). Having cookies fresh from the oven when the boys get home from school. I don't even mind cleaning and doing laundry on these days. Jeff would probably like for it to rain more often!! :)
Jeff and I discussed the boys and school this morning. He really, really misses the boys. One thing I so much appreciate about Jeff is his love for our children and he realizes that no one can replace him. Sending them to public school has been extremely difficult for Jeff, as he works 10 hour days and weekends. He hasn't had a full day with the boys since school started. He often wants to "kidnap" them after school so that they can have some "guy time" without the distraction of neighborhood kids. He is wanting to go back to homeschooling, and I think we eventually will. I have gotten to the point of burn out- for several reasons. This morning we discussed what homeschooling again would have to look like and that I would need much more physical support from Jeff. My days at home with the kids are super long when he is working-and that leaves me to be the one who has to the heavy-handed parent.(Not literally) I don't enjoy that role. I am so grateful that Jeff understands that I have some needs that need met in order to homeschool successfully. I'm not sure when or what it will look like, but homeschooling will be back in play for our family in the future.
It is POURING outside. We need to go and get groceries- not exactly something I want to do with two little girls. Maybe I need to take a nap with Jada!

Sleepless Nights

As I mentioned in my last post, Jada's blood sugars have been running so high lately. At times well over 400. We did get her correction factor and I:CHO (insulin to carb ratio for all you newbies to diabetes out there) changed. We're not sure, but think she may be going through a growth spurt right now. We've also had some weather changes over the last few weeks. Who knows- really. I just know that I'm very tired from all of the worry. One night she got so high that she wet the bed. Another night she couldn't sleep and when I checked her she was close to 500! I went ahead and gave her some novolog, but then was worried she would drop to low and stayed up half the night to check on her. I have seen some improvement over the last couple of days since we changed her dosage, but still am not sure. Maybe I just need to give it a little more time. Or maybe I just need to call the endo tomorrow and see what they think. I'm just tired right now. Tired of seeing her not feeling good. Tired of worrying about her A1C levels. Tired of the 2:30 am checks.
Hmmmm........surely I have something positive to post. The boys are doing great in school. Eli is getting much more excited about school and finally seems to be adjusting. Miss Mary Beth is showing signs of some musical ability and I'm thinking I'm going to start teaching her piano. David reads all of the time. His teacher challenged his class to read for 10,000 minutes this school year and he is well on his way to doing it. It's not uncommon for him to come home and read for 2 hours every night on top of his homework! He loves to read! Jada- outside of diabetes- is still our princess. I don't even get her dressed in the morning unless we are going somewhere because she plays dress up all day long. Work is going well for Jeff- he seems to be getting the store turned around and sales are coming back up. I, well, I really need to find some friends here in Tulsa. I'm going stir crazy and need someone to hang with. Hopefully, as we get more involved at church, that will happen.
Well- need to get some laundry going. Jeff should be home soon. Tomorrow is Monday. I need to go to bed early.

5 Mile Hike

I should be going to bed, but Jada running high tonight and is quite uncomfortable right now. Poor little thing. We've done the bouncing around thing this afternoon and evening and are now paying for it with little sleep. She had a lunch time shot, and then took an extra long nap and woke up low- like at 59. We got her back up easily, but then decided to go for a hike and was on the trail longer than expected and she fell back to 80 by the time we were finished. By that time, it was 7:30 and way past supper time and I always hesitate to give her any novolog after 6:30, because we're chasing lows at bedtime if I do. Well, didn't work so well this time. I didn't think she had too many carbs, but I think the old rebound effect happened and she hit 300 at bedtime. I need to check her- she woke up after an hour of being asleep and had 2 8 oz. sippy cups of water. Probably pretty high. I'm just not sure what to do.
It was a beautiful hike tonight. Turkey Mountain Urban Wilderness Area in Tulsa is a great place to hike with the family! We were only going to do 2 miles, but took the wrong trail. Oops. Guess an extra 3 miles won't hurt to much. Jada was in a pack a good deal of the way. Eli fell three times on his broken arm! David talked our legs off the whole way and Mary Beth was our little trooper. She was in a pack for the first 15 minutes- but walked the rest of the way and did absolutely fabulous! She's too big for the pack anyhow. Hiking in Oklahoma isn't exactly Colorado or Alaska, but it was soooo good to be out on the trail again with the family. I love it. Love the family time that we have. Love the silence of the trail. Not much wildlife to see, but it was beautiful outside. The remnants of Hurricane Gustav left the area this afternoon and left us with beautiful temps in the 70s. Love it. Today reminded me of an Alaskan summer day- cool and beautiful. I'm so ready for fall to come.

Long Weekend

My parents were here for the weekend and left around 8:30 this morning. It was soooo nice to have them here. Mom was so helpful with the kids- gave the girls their baths- even Eli as he has a hard time with a huge cast on his arm. Dad fixed our toilet (I think Jeff really appreciated that!). I showed them around our part of Tulsa and yesterday we went to the mall. We skipped church (oops) in the morning, but it was really nice to just sit and visit. We hadn't seen them since June.
I normally won't talk politics, but will say that I am excited about Sarah Palin joining John McCain on the GOP ticket. She is one tough lady and every Alaskan I know has a tremendous amount of respect for her. She changed the way politics are done in Alaska. I am now excited about the election this year!
At the mall yesterday, I had to test Jada's blood sugar. Mom and dad were getting the other kids some ice cream and went on ahead of me. I had to see where she was at before I could give her a snack and so I sat down on a bench next to an older gentlemen. As I poked her finger, he asked me if she had "sugar diabetes". I told him yes and then said, "You know- she can be healed." I didn't know what to say. He said it in a very kind way and began to share his thoughts on healing and prayer. He asked if he could pray for Jada and then prayed for her to be healed. He encouraged me to believe that God will heal her, fully and completely. "We have not, because we ask not." It was a very strange experience. He took me off guard, but was very nice.
Do I want Jada to be healed? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. Have I asked God to heal her? To take this from her? Absolutely. For the "right" reasons and for selfish reasons! Do I honestly want to have to deal with this for the next fifteen years or more before she is completely responsible for herself? No! And again, last night, after my conversation with this man, I asked again. Because, really, I don't want Jada to have to deal with this disease for the rest of her life. My mother's heart cries for her everytime she has a bad reading- everytime she's feeling crummy because she's been running high all day. Every time I put her to bed and *hope* that I gave her enough carbs to get her through the night. When I wake up in the middle of the night to check her and those few times that I have had to wake her to force her to eat, so that she will wake up in the morning. When the other kids get ice cream and she gets a diet cokeor a stick of string cheese. Or how about when the other kids get a bag of m &m's and she will happily take a few tic-tacs instead. She loves orange tic tacs. My heart cries in fear of her getting a cold or a flu bug, because she could easily end up in the hospital.
I did not choose this life for her. I had no idea that this was a part of His plan. Do I think God intended for her to have diabetes? Sometimes I think yes, sometimes, I think no- really I don't know. But now- it is a part of His plan for her life and for our family's life- because she does have it. Yes- there will be a day when she won't have it any more. Whether it is on this side of eternity, or the next, where she will be complete and whole, I don't know. I DO KNOW- God is Faithful. He is Just. His mercies are neverending. He has given me tremendous joy in the midst of these last five months since she was diagnosed. This disease has reminded me that life is so very precious. It is my hope that as Jada grows older with diabetes, that she, too, will find her wholeness and completeness in her relationship with Jesus. That her identity would be found in Him, and not bound up in this disease. She can live a full and complete life. I do believe that God can heal her- but I also believe that she can be a great testimony and witness while living with this disease.