Vigilance

I'm sitting here- wishing I could go to bed, but need to wait at least another 45 minutes to check Jada to make sure she's going to make it through the night okay.  Never in a million years would I have believed you if had told me that when my baby was 3 1/2 years old would I still worry about her in the middle of the night.  You know what it's like when you bring your newborn home- wondering why they're sleeping so long and hoping to see their little tummy moving up and down rhythmically when you go in to check on them.  Being extra quiet so you can hear them breathe in and out.  Remember those times when they took a deep breath in...then held it long enough for you to begin to panic ever so slightly, then you heard the soft sound of them breathing out, then getting back into their rhythmic breathing pattern?

I do all of that again with Jada.  She crawled into bed with me early this morning.  I wasn't concerned with her being low- at her check last night she was at a perfect number for getting through the night.  As she lay there and fell asleep, I was just naturally in tune with her breathing and there was a moment when she drew in a deep breath and didn't let it out for a very long (or so it seemed) time.  Until this moment, I was never really struck with how much I do this.  Day and night.  For her nap, I am in her room every 20 minutes or so just to make sure she hasn't dropped on me.  Until I go to bed at night, I check on her about every 30 minutes just to make sure I see that little chest raising up and down.

I also remember that feeling of wanting my kids to just get a "little" older so that I could experience a little more freedom.  Not having to worry about midnight feedings and whether or not they could die from something like SIDS.   Midnight feedings happen more often now than they did when my kids were babies.  And now I know that she has something potentially life threatening and it will kill her if I'm not vigilant.  Vigilance is hard and tiring and there are so many days that I long for my pre-diabetes life.  I'm tired of this disease.