In Loving Memory of Shamae......

It sometimes takes special circumstances to meet special people.  Life in our household changed in March of 2008.  Just a month prior, February 2008, a different family, in a different state, went through a diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes, as we would the following month.  In the months that followed, I began to reach out in search of other people, looking for "same".... I needed to know that I was NOT alone.  Somehow, people began to find me before I found them and Shamae was one of them.  

Just like our kiddos blood sugars with diabetes, our life took on a roller coaster.  What used to be a steady routine for all of us D-moms before diagnosis, was nothing but exhaustion, worry and constant interruption to our daily schedule. In these moments...or between...or after.....we could jump on Facebook or blog our hearts out and find immediate connection, empathy and encouragement.  Basal rates, ketones, BGL, MDI's,  I:CHO, glucagon, etc..... we all learned this new vocabulary together.   We had moments of great triumph and moments of sadness and fear with sick kids.  Through all of this, friendships were formed, we got to know more about each other than just diabetes and we loved each other.  

Shamae led the pack with love.  Love is a verb...it's shown in your actions.  I'll never forget the time after we had moved back to Alaska, and I couldn't find a particular snack that I wanted to have for Jada.  You know...it had just the right amount of carbs, not much fat and plenty of protein.  I can't even remember what now what it was.  She jumped right in and offered to throw some in the mail.  That is just how she was.  She was always quick to be the cheerleader, too.  A bad day was made good when you heard from Shamae.  

Shamae...my friend....you are missed so much.  My heart is heavy for your family and the pain that I know they're experiencing right now.  Their circumstances have changed so dramatically and so quickly.  My prayers are with them almost constantly now.  You, however, have moved on.  The cares and burdens of this world have slipped away.  Slumber in peace, my faithful friend.  Your life and legacy lives on in three beautiful little girls who will change their world.  

B is for (low)Blood Sugar....NOT Barbie.....

Today we celebrated Jada's 8th birthday with her friends.  Last week she told me she wanted a Barbie party.  I'm not too much of a planner, so I didn't think it would be a problem.  Barbie is everywhere, right?  Well, Barbie herself is everywhere.  Barbie birthday party decor is NOT.  At least not in Fairbanks, Alaska.  Yes, we are remote, but we have more here than where I was from in Iowa, so I was a little miffed that I couldn't find anything to fit her theme.

So, I was going to have to get a little creative.  It wasn't too hard as Barbie is nothing but pink, pink and more pink.  Throw in some black and white zebra stripes, and you have a pretty cute little party going on.  She didn't want cake, because she won't eat it, but asked for cookies instead.  This is what we ended up with.  Throw a big pink "B" on those cookies, and voila!  Perfect Barbie cookies!

The party was today at 3:00 pm. I was going to finish the cookies when we got home.  Jeff and I had a brunch to go to this morning, so we left around 9:30.  Jada's blood sugar was high...without looking at her meter I want to say it was around 300.  I gave a correction, then left.  Our oldest is 14 and can take care of her just as well, if not better than any adult I could leave her with.  That, coupled with the fact that I could check on her constantly via phone, left me feeling okay with leaving with for a few hours today.  We got a phone call more than halfway through the brunch that she was still high. As a matter of fact, she had jumped up to over 400.  They gave a correction and I knew that we would be home within the hour.  On our way home, Jada called just to lsee where we were and how long it would take us to get home.  At that point, we were less than 5 minutes away.  When we walked in the door, Jada was sitting on the couch, a pasty white face, meter at her side.  She looked at Jeff and said, "I'm low".  45.  And falling. Fast.  I run for the juice.   She refused it.  Chocolate milk.  She refused.  She got combative. And sweaty.  Oh...so sweaty.  Her hair was wet with sweat.  Jeff grabbed the pink frosting intended for the cookies and she shoved it away.  At that point,he grabbed her, held her hands down and I grabbed the frosting and squeezed it into the side of her mouth.  She tried to spit it out.  My baby girl was completely out of her head.  Crying, screaming.  I managed to get more into her mouth and after what seemed like forever, but less than 30 seconds, she was reasonable again.  And she drank the juice, then ate a bowl of cereal.

And I sat back and tried to comprehend what had just happened.  What if we had been delayed by 5 minutes....what if we had been delayed by even 3 minutes?  I might have walked into my house with Jada having a seizure.....or worse.  And then the guilt sets in.  I shouldn't have left her with a high blood sugar.  I should have come home immediately with the news of a 400 blood sugar.  And the what ifs and the I should haves just kept coming....and coming....and coming....   Even after things had calmed down and we had guests here for her party.  They kept coming until I decided I needed to put it to rest until I could really deal with it.

The party was great.  So much fun for her to celebrate with her friends and I had a blast catching up with these moms that I only get to see for a few minutes at a time usually.   It ended up being a great day.  And she didn't get the "B"on her cookies.  Instead, that frsoting was used to combat a  potentially deadly low.

Now that I've had some time to think about today, I know what I would do differently.  I would have made sure to tell her to wash her hands and recheck that 400.  I might have told her to eat something when she corrected that 400, because it had been several hours since breakfast.  

And there's this.  Jeff and I haven't been away even for a night together since diagnosis 5 years ago.  So, getting out for a few hours with each other has been something we've been doing consistently since our oldest was of babysitting age.  We've always stayed with in a 10-15 minute drive and the phones sit next to our plates if we're at a restaurant.  But still, I have to question myself.  Is this an ok thing to do?  We all know what a difference just a moment can make in the treatment of a low blood sugar.  It's not the norm for Jada to have these frantic, crashing blood sugars, and her highs and lows usually follow some sort of pattern that I can anticipate.  But not today.  It's days like today that make me question all that I am doing.  It reminds me that this disease is such a BEAST and that she is forever subjected to what this beast is going to dictate in her little body.  

Even though today had it's formidable challenges, I am so thankful we made it through.  Her blood sugars were all over the board today,  but not scary low like the first one.  Most of all I am thankful for 8 years with this little girl...who told me the other day that I was her "BFF".   I am one lucky mama!

A Test Strip in My Shoe

 A while back, one of my D-mom friends posted that she found a test strip in her shoe.  We all know they show up everywhere.  The shower, the bottom of your purse, the front step.  You name the place, and I've probably seen it there.  I once found a test strip on our favorite hiking trail.  We had been there a few weeks before and I'm just assuming it was ours.  Well, I got to work last week, took off my street shoes, and there under my heel, was a test strip.

Jada loves to peel the test strips apart after they are used and this particular test strip in the bottom of my shoe was one she had dismembered.  My first thought was to peel it off and throw it in the trash can.  But I couldn't do it.  I've been walking around for more than a week with the sticky part of the strip in my favorite pair of Danskos.  I cannot, for the life of me, bring myself to throw it away.

It kind of puzzles me.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know if I feel guilt for leaving her for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week while I go to work.  Maybe it's my way of carrying her with me while I'm gone?  It's oddly comforting to me to see that strip in the bottom of my shoe when I have to run back to my locker to get something.  Perhaps, I'm afraid I'll forget to call and check on her when I have some down time and seeing that strip is a reality check for me.

Perhaps, this disease has just really done a number on me and now I'm really weird.  My coworkers have probably seen it and wondered what the heck it was.  They must think I'm REALLY weird for having such a thing in the bottom of my shoe.  They might not even know what it is, but if they did, they might think I was more than REALLY weird.

So, I have a test strip in my shoe.  I might be crazy, I might be weird, but that little test strip represents so much in my life.  First of all, it represents the fact that she has probably checked her blood sugar more than 18,000 times since diagnosis. 18,000 TIMES! (yes...that's why her fingers are black and blue!) How about the  weight of diabetes that never leaves, even when I am away from her and at work, attempting to keep my mind off of it and then, the guilt that I can't fix her pancreas and BE the perfect pancreas for her.  Or, how about the fact that she has an older brother who worries excessively about her and he has no real peace either.  It breaks my heart.  Jeff and I haven't been away on a trip together since diagnosis.  This disease can take a toll on a marriage.

Until we can say diabetes is no more, I will most likely keep the test strip in my shoe.  I do believe that day will come, although I don't know when.   Until then, we'll keep testing, keep living and trying to make the most out of what life has handed us.

Cabin Fever

Wow.  Almost two years since I've blogged.  I think my last post was May of 2011 and that was my lame attempt at jumping back into my blog.  It is now April 2013.  It's supposed to be break up here in Alaska.  You know, melting snow, mosquitos as large as sparrows beginning to appear, children playing outside, windows being opened on warm afternoons.  Old Man Winter should be well on his way out the door.  Not so.  We are in a winter weather advisory, it was -20 this morning (yes 20 below zero) and I feel like I am losing my mind!  Cabin fever has set in...not just for me, but countless other Alaskans.

cab·in fe·ver  

Noun Irritability, listlessness, and similar symptoms resulting from long confinement or isolation indoors during the winter. This is very much me right now.  Irritable....yes.  Noise levels in the house tonight were almost more than I could handle and no one really wanted to go to bed.  Of course, it doesn't help that we have 14 hours of daylight and our bodies are already beginning to adjust to that. Listlessness? Yes....I don't have a whole lot of energy to tidy the house up or do the laundry or cook meals.  Sorry honey and kiddos.  Maybe when the temps hit 25 above and it quits snowing.  No one is starving yet and they all have clean underwear. I have stuck my proverbial blogging toe back in the blogging water.  It was all Shannon's  idea that I do this again.  Perhaps, next time, I'll jump all the way in.

The Hand That 2011 Has Dealt So Far....

May 13......D-Blog week was the week that I was going to jump back into blogging. Here it is the very last day...and I here I am. Actually, it's quite appropriate for how my life has been since January 12.
January 12 is yet another day engraved in my mind forever, much like Jada's diagnosis date. A game changer for our family. January 12 is the day that Jeff was involved in a horrible car accident in the middle of nowhere Alaska in 20-30 below temperatures.
He was coming home from Delta Junction (95 miles away) in a Subaru station wagon driven by his friend and co-worker, Luke. They came up over a hill and were going down the other side, when a truck in the opposite lane passed another vehicle in a no passing zone. It was icy. Jeff and Luke had nowhere to go, so Luke turned the car sideways and took the full force of this big truck. What they didn't know, was the "other vehicle" was an ambulance, coming back from Fairbanks. God is so good. Jeff and Luke had immediate medical attention....that doesn't even happen in the middle of a city! The entire left side of Luke's body was broken....from a concussion on his head all the way down to a broken ankle. Jeff was able to walk with help from the car to the ambulance...but was experiencing intense internal pain. He had indeed bruised his colon and broke some vertebrae in his back, and had a concussion.
Jeff was admitted to the hospital and the dr. told him that his colon would most likely perforate...and it did. Two days after the accident, I was getting ready to head to the hospital, and Jeff called. His colon had perforated in the middle of the night and they were prepping him for surgery. The surgery lasted somewhere between 3 and 4 hours and they ended up removing a foot of his colon, leaving him with a temporary colostomy. He ended up being in the hospital for 8 days, healing and learning how to care for his colostomy. Luke just got out of the hospital a few weeks ago, still with broken bones that are healing.
The weeks that followed were all a blur to me. Jeff had business trips to Chicago (because....oh...by the way....the same day he was in the accident he also found out that he got a new position with his current company) that he had to take and then the kids and I took a trip to Iowa to see family before spring break hit all around the country. Traveling stand- by is something you just don't want to attempt at certain times of year!
Somehow, April rolled around really fast. At the beginning of the month, Jeff had an MRI done to see how well his colon was healing. After the initial surgery, they told us it would be 3-6 months before they would re-attach his colon, depending on how well he healed. Well, the MRI showed some good stuff, so he was scheduled for surgery on the 27th of April, a few days after Jada's 6th birthday.
Now...we are on the other side of surgery. Two weeks post-op now and he is completely ecstatic to be done with the colostomy bag, but healing from this surgery has been extremely painful. His surgery lasted two hours...an hour and a half of it was spent cleaning up the scar tissue from all of the abrasions that happened during the accident. His dr. told me that healing was going to be slow and difficult...he told Jeff as well, but for some reason, Jeff thinks that it ought to be moving along a little faster than it is! :)
Lessons learned from this..... 1)Friends and family are CRUCIAL parts of your life. Jeff's sister and husband flew up from Anchorage after the accident. His dad flew up from Iowa to help with the kids. And my church family provided us with meals for two weeks plus I could call any one at any time if I needed anything. I could go on and on with the things that people did for us. It blew my mind. 2) I will never again take my husband for granted. Our marriage has been growing stronger over the years, but this has shoved it forward even more. He is God's perfect gift to me and he completes me in everyway. I don't want to walk through this life and raise our children without him. 3)Diabetes can take a back seat! Blood sugars haven't been perfect (but really...when are they?) but Jada is doing great. I've learned to trust other people with her in ways that I never would have before.
So...this has basically been our life, with diabetes on the side. Accident, surgery, recovery, a little bit of normal...then more surgery and a whole lot of recovery. Life should be getting back to normal for us soon. I'm starting my summer schedule at work...going to nights rather than my typical early mornings. School is out this week...the weather is amazing (after a VERY cold winter) and I'm ready to get back to my real life!!

I Want to Hide in My Room and Cry.......

I don't want her to see the worry...or to ever feel the knot in her stomach that I had when the meter rang up a hefty 540 blood sugar this morning. My first clue when I got home from work this morning was the uber dry lips that she had. We took the older kids to school, then when we got home, she asked for a glass of water. Guzzle. Gone. Then another glass of water. Guzzle. Gone. Or...how about the ultra sweet breath that I haven't smelled in such a long time, but recognized at the first whiff? Blood sugar check. Whew.....540. Gulp. More water Jada? No..but she really had to go potty! Gee...I wonder why.... I grabbed the ketone strips and she laughed.....peeing on those darn things for some reason are SO much fun. Large ketones....not a surprise. Obviously, something was wrong and it was most likely the site. And sure enough, when she pulled it out (which is also a tremendous amount of fun for Jada), the cannula was practically bent in half. Ugh.

I checked her at 3 a.m. this morning when I got up for work. She was 300. Lately, she's been high in the middle of the night, so I didn't think too much about it, just gave her a correction and off to work I went. Jeff always takes care of her breakfast, because I'm not home and normally, I communicate with him through a note on the kitchen table about any "action" that I've taken in the wee morning hours, but I didn't today. Looking back through her numbers, I see she was still at about 300 when she ate her breakfast. If he had known that I gave a correction and it didn't work, he most likely would have changed the site.

Guilt. It's what I'm feeling. Not communicating. Being in a hurry...both of us wanting to just get to work and get our day started. I have fought back tears all morning. Jada didn't want to do a site change...they've been a battle and she prefers Jeff doing them. Big, hot, salty tears rolled down her cheeks as she fought me. And I could hardly hold mine back. If it were an option to run to the bedroom and lock the door, bury my face in my pillow and scream....I would have. There are days, like today, that I just don't think I can do this anymore. But I see how well she does this life, and think...how can I not? And I will.

Where Do I Start??

I don't know where to start since I last blogged.....life has been absolutely C.R.A.Z.Y over the last month. I find myself so mentally and physically worn out at the end of the day that I have no energy left over to blog...even though I have blog material coming out of every orifice of my body!!!! So maybe tonight I'll just touch on a few things then over the next few days, get a little more detailed about what we've been up to.

Obviously, our biggest news is Jada starting on the pump. She started the Minimed Paradigm Revel a month ago. The newest member of our family has been named Pinky.....and do we ever love Pinky. Pinky gets sick, she watches cartoons and reads books with Jada. I don't know how we've lived without her! Pinky, with her ability to upload info to a computer, has really been teaching this Mama some lessons! Pinky doesn't lie....and lets me know where I need to do my homework!!! It's called tough love and Pinky does it well........((sigh)).

We also have a new, wonderful doctor! I wasn't sure what would happen after Dr. Woodward passed away, but the clinic shifted Jada's care to other Dr. who takes care of all the Type 1 kids here in Fairbanks. I couldn't be more pleased. And Jada adores him. We've seen him twice since starting the pump and he has her in stitches each time we go in. Dr. S. raised two daughters with Type 1 Diabetes, so he gets it as a parent. He knows about the worry and frustration that accompanies the management of this disease. He GETS IT! I really need that right now, because I am in uncharted territory with Pinky.

School. Jada started the pump on the first day of school for my other three kiddos. Hello. Could I ask for a worse time to start something so HUGE??? I really don't know if it was the best time to start, because I haven't been able to spend the time "tweaking" those dang ratios and basal rates that I should have. Because I'm tired. ALL of the time! Oh and Jada will start homeschooling kindergarten at some point in the next week or two. I'm not ready to send the big D to school yet!!!

Work. I LOVE my job. So much fun...so interesting. I, yes, I, boarded Snoopp Dogg on a plane last month. Anyone jealous??? haha! :D I had been unsure if I would be able to permanently keep the job as I was hired as "seasonal" but last week was told I would be staying on and was able to bid for a shift. I will continue working my early morning hours 4:15 am-8:15 am. These hours can be exhausting, but they work so well for the family. I worked 30 hours a week over the summer, but this week, my hours go down to 20...which is WAY okay with me!!!

Okay...I need to wrap this up. Got to go and meet the hubby. He's been off delivering a load of wood (we'll just call him Jeff the Lumberjack--kind of sexy, eh?) :D . The wood business...something else to blog about and way that God has provided for our family!

Okay..I PROMISE....I will blog more, I will blog more, I will blog more, I will blog more........

Dear Dr. Woodward

Dear Dr. Woodward,

In January of 2009, we began to seriously consider moving back to Fairbanks. There was something big holding us up...and that big thing was diabetes. We had lived here previously and we knew that sometimes medical care could be lacking. After all, Fairbanks is remote. 6 hours north of Anchorage....less than 200 miles south of the Arctic Circle. Jada had been diagnosed with diabetes about 6 months after we had moved back to the lower 48. We felt relieved that we were in a big city with a large hospital who could take care of her and give us some good tools. She was so sick upon diagnosis, that if we had been living here at the time, I don't know if she would have survived. It would have meant Jada being transported by plane to Anchorage or even Seattle for treatment. So, we had some serious concerns about moving back.

However, we really believed that God was calling us back here....and knew that He would provide our every need and that Jada would be taken care of. If anything, we KNEW how to take care of her and if we had to drive 6 hours to Anchorage every three months for an A1C, we would do it. I decided to make a few phone calls. I found out there was a diabetes center...found the phone number and called. That was the most reassuring phone call that I could have made. You see, Dr. Woodward, they told me all about you and Dr. Steiner and how you both had stepped up to the plate and were taking good care of all the Type 1 kids in the Fairbanks area--because there are no enodocrinologists in Fairbanks. I knew then, that, God was giving us the go ahead...that care was available and that the care was good.

The first time I met you, I was even more reassured. Jada was so shy...and you were so patient with her. You won her over the first time you brought a sample pump out and she held it in her hands....and then told her they came in pink. That first visit, Jada had a low blood sugar and you were more ready than I was. You quickly disappeared into your office and brought back a juice box with Bert and Ernie on it...her favorite kind. When Jada's A1C came back at 6.7...you were just as excited as I was. The next visit when it rose to 8.0.....you weren't critical...you were encouraging...and we carefully evaluated her numbers to see what changes we needed to make. And we did well....the next A1C was 7.6.....and you were so happy with it. When I failed to thoroughly log blood sugars, you didn't jump all over me..actually, when I apologized, you smiled and told me that you knew I would do better next time...that I was busy and that I had my hands full with 4 kids plus a new job.

You were a student of this disease. As a matter of fact, you only prescribed one pump to all of your patients...because you were the ONE person in town that we would be able to get some help from if something went wrong. You listened to me.....you understood that I was the primary care giver and that ultimately, her care was in my hands on a day to day basis. You were my cheerleader and sounding board.

And now you're gone. It's been a shock...I've had a hard time processing it this week. Where do we go from here? Do we give Dr. Steiner a try? Do we go to Anchorage or Wasilla? All I know is that I really would like to have you back! Jada's pump arrived just a few days before you passed into eternity......I was so looking forward to this journey with you. Your amazing staff, however, is pressing on and taking care of all of your kids. I found out today that there will be 2 other kids close to Jada's age taking the pump class with us. Do their moms feel as I do? Like we're starting this journey without our greatest advocate? I know we'll figure it out...and I know that we'll press on...but it won't be the same with out you......

You are much loved and missed.......

Amy

Dr. Marianna "Missy" Boaz Woodward passed away unexpectedly on Sunday, July 25, 2010, in Fairbanks.
She is remembered and mourned by countless family and friends in Alaska and on both coasts of the United States.
Born in Charlottesville, Va., on Jan. 27, 1951, Missy grew up on her family's apple farm south of town in Covesville. She graduated from Lane High School in Charlottesville and attended Agnes Scott College in Atlanta one year before transferring to Davidson College in North Carolina. When she graduated with honors in 1973, she was the first female graduate in the school's history. She and her husband, Kes, who graduated with her from Davidson the same year, were married in 1971.
The couple moved to Alaska in 1977, living in Juneau and Anchorage before moving to Fairbanks in 1981. An art major at Davidson and full-time studio potter during her first few years in Alaska, Missy decided to become a doctor and completed three years of undergraduate science courses in Juneau and Fairbanks before entering the WAMI medical program. She received her medical doctor's degree from the University of Washington in 1987 and completed her pediatric residency at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center in Hanover, N.H. in 1991.
Missy joined Tanana Valley Clinic in 1991, and in addition to seeing pediatric patients, served as the clinic's president and for several years as its first medical director. She continued to practice with the remarkable staff of TVC and Fairbanks Memorial Hospital at the time of her death.
Missy was preceded in death by her father, Emmett Daniel Boaz Jr.; her mother, Marianna Wilson Boaz; and her sister, Ada Cornelia Boaz.
She is survived by her husband, Kesler Woodward of Fairbanks; son, Eli Woodward and his partner Becca Lang of Seattle; brothers, Emmett Daniel Boaz III and Wilson Ashby Boaz of Virginia; sister, Emily Katherine Kroehler of Virginia; treasured nieces and nephews now living in Virginia, Texas and Fairbanks; and her husband's family in South Carolina.
A memorial service for Missy will be held at 4 p.m., Thursday, July 29, at Zion Lutheran Church, 2982 Davis Road, with Pastor Susan Granata of Christ Lutheran Church officiating. A reception will follow at the church.

It's HERE!

What else to bring me back to blogging...but our pretty little pink PUMP!!! After what seems like waiting ETERNALLY for insurance approval, I received an email 3 days ago from UPS telling me that they would be delivering a package on the 22nd of July from MEDTRONIC! AND...that it would require a signature...so I knew instantly what it was. Waiting for the last two days has seriously been a little like waiting for Christmas!

I rushed home from work yesterday morning (I work from 4:15 am-9:15am) in hopes that the UPS man wouldn't beat me. And I determined to stick myself to my house like glue so that I wouldn't miss him. We were told that delivery would happen between 10 am and 7 pm..gotta love that! Basically...I couldn't go anywhere! Which was okay, because honestly, I'm rather tired on a daily basis because of the hours I work. Such a great excuse to take a nap. However, my nap was only half there, because I was afraid I would miss the ring of the door bell! Of course, the kids kept their eyes open for me. Jada kept coming inside to ask if that "big brown truck" had brought her pump yet!

5 o'clock rolled around and nothing yet. I had to go and pick Jeff up from work and I JUST KNEW that it would show up while I was gone. I actually asked my neighbor to keep her eyes open for the UPS truck and asked her to sign for it! The suspense was killing me! Fortunately, Jeff works close to home, so I was only gone for 15 minutes. I kept looking for the truck in my neighborhood as I drove so that I could chase him down if I needed to!! :) And yes...I would have!

Jeff and Eli had football and I was supposed to be having my recovery group at the church office at 7. It was nearly 6 pm and nothing yet...not even a sighting of the "big brown truck" in our neighborhood. Jeff left and I called my gals and said that I was moving the group to our home for two reasons....no one to watch the girls AND that pump had not yet arrived!!! So..I commenced with my rushed cleaning and the ever frantic watching out the window for the big, brown truck!! At 6:42 pm exactly, Jada, standing in front of the window, jumps up and down and begins to scream, "It's here....it's HERE!"

I fought back tears while I signed for it....the UPS man was a little baffled by all of the emotion...Jada's excitement, my teary eyes....but I explained to him what it was.....and yet, he still didn't quite get it! :)

Jada could hardly wait to tear into the box...I couldn't either. It was full of so. much. Finally, we found the box that said "Mini-med Paradigm Revel"....there it was....the cutest little pink pump I've ever seen. Of course, Jada wanted to put it on right now and then I had to explain to her what we had to do to start wearing it. She wants signed up for a pump class...like, ummmm...YESTERDAY!

So, it's here. I called the dr. today (and of course she's NOT IN) to let her know we received it and that we are ready for pump class. I hope to hear something back soon...because I'm ready to get going...and Jada is too!

A1C, Lovin' My Job and MORE SLEEP PLEASE!

My training schedule for work has been 6 pm to 1:30 am....leaving me pretty darn sleep deprived and tired. But...seriously....sleep deprivation is nothing new to me!!! Ha. I find myself waking up between the hours of 10 and 11 am...my kids full well into their day and ready for lunch while I'm eating breakfast. I leave for work at 5:15, so it seems as if there is never enough time to get anything done. Today my house is a mess and Jeff may be on his own for dinner tonight. I've been trying to have something nearly cooked so that all he has to do is finish it up and feed the kids. Not today, though. I'm thinking it's going to be left over spaghetti!!! I'll be wrapping up training this week, then a whole new schedule will set in. My main shift is going to be 4 a.m. to 9:15 a.m., with the exception of Saturday, which will start at 5 am and end at 3:15 pm. So, I'm actually pretty happy with it...I get my days and nights with the kids which is what I wanted.

I love the job! It's a lot of fun and so far, customers have been very patient with me! :) There is SO much to learn and so many regulatory things that I have to follow, that it can be overwhelming at times. My uniform should be here this weekend, which is good, because I'm tired of trying to figure out what to wear every day!! :)

Jada had her check up last week. It went great!! A1C was 7.6 down from 8.1 in January. I was so happy about that. Overall, the last several months have gone well. Of course, I asked about her pump...and apparently, the paperwork got lost and is being resubmitted. We are going to stick with the Minimed. And yes...I'm making a follow up phone call at the end of the week to make sure the paperwork was indeed found and has been submitted!!!

So...that's it and that's that. We're good. All is well.

Time to Update.....

Hey everyone....I'm back. :) I guess one thing is certain, if I'm not writing something, then things are going pretty well! We have had a lot going on, so I guess that can be my excuse for not sitting down and taking the time to blog.

1)Jada...that little girl is doing GREAT! The numbers are looking good....maybe more days on the lower side, but overall very good. I will get the true picture tomorrow when I sit down to finish logging her blood sugar numbers which I'm HORRIBLE at doing. We have our 3 month check up next week, so it's time to get my stuff in order! I'm having second thoughts on the Medtronic and am thinking about pushing for the OmniPod, because rumor has it that our dear Dr. has prescribed one to another child!!! We shall see.....hmmmmm.........

2)My job. Since my last post, I've been hired and already trained as a Customer Service Agent for a certain airline that is big in Alaska!!! :) I spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday of this week in Seattle training for my new position. This coming Monday, I start on the job training and am SO excited. I'll be working up to 30 hours a week, so it will be a pretty big adjustment for our family, but I'm up for the challenge. A highlight of my time in Seattle was spending time with Jeff's cousins and aunt in Seattle. I just love them so much and am so proud I'm part of the family.

3)SUMMER! Summer is here! All light, all the time! 80 degrees this week and gorgeous. I'm enjoying my kids and the fact that I can kick them outside whenever I want to! :) haha! I kick myself out with them when I have the chance. With both of us working, it's going to be hard to get away, but we are looking forward to the chance that my sister and her family may get to come and see us!

That's it...that's what's up. Summer, new job and good numbers. What more could I ask for? I'm just extremely grateful for all we've been given and the life we've been blessed with!

We Made It a WHOLE Year in One Place!!

A year ago this last weekend made it one year for us in Fairbanks. And THAT, my friends, is one amazing feat for the Lincoln family. We're even in the same house...amazing for us. What a year it's been, too. If you want to see some pictures of our journey north, you can go here. We pulled into Fairbanks on May 1, 2009 after a journey of about 3600 miles. BAD low blood sugars in the middle of no where Canada, vehicle breakdowns, blizzards and a trailer break down in Canada made for a memorable journey...one which we don't care to do again for a very long time.

For those of you who don't know, we have moved an immense amount of times. For my new job that I recently started, I had to turn in addresses for the last ten years for a background check. EVERY SINGLE ADDRESS where I had received mail. 17 addresses. We've been married 12 years...so that makes for a whopping total of 20 addresses in 12 years. Some huge moves, some across town kind of moves. Some were good moves and some of them were NEVER should have happened kind of moves.

You're NOT going to hear me say that I'll NEVER. EVER. MOVE.AGAIN. Because if I do that, I can almost be guaranteed that I'll be moving. However, we have put down roots here. We're making plans for our future here. And it feels so good. I've never had this. This is the first time in our marriage that we've hit the one year mark and not been looking elsewhere at other jobs or career moves with in the same company. Call me crazy, but it's an unbelievable feeling for me.

HAPPY ONE YEAR IN ALASKA TO US....AND MANY MORE!

All Alonely

Does anyone see her sitting there?
All alonely?
So small. So big.
Meter in her hand
God...was this really your plan?
I know that she already feels all "alonely"...
Different than the rest...
Really, though, she's better than the best....
Jesus, give her Your Grace...
To face what she has to face.....
I can't take that "alonely" away....
I trust that You will meet her there...
God...I put her in Your care....
Letting go continually...
Help me show her, You are all she needs.


On Friday, Jada and I went to Sam's Club and did some shopping. It was lunch time and we decided to have some pizza. I ordered, then had Jada pick out a place to sit and had her check her blood sugar. She chose a table in the middle of the cafe area....tons of people on each side of her, but no one in that very middle row. I turned around to look at her, and she seemed so small. So very out of place all by herself. And then she pulled out her meter and checked out her blood sugar. She suddenly seemed so BIG...so old. So mature. And still so very alone in that room full of people. Alonely...by the way, is how Jada refers to doing something alone or being alone.

One of the things I hate most about this disease is how it sets our children apart from others and how that makes them feel. Right now, I can help to protect her and sometimes control things so that she doesn't notice it so much. As she gets older and becomes more independent, I won't always be there. Then, eventually, she will really be on her own and I might get the weekly phone call. I *hope* that I am doing all that I can to help her feel confident in herself..to prepare her for a life of facing this disease by herself. I know the stress and pressure I feel...how will it be for her? This is something I think about ALL THE TIME.

This is what I do know. In my "aloneliest" times, Jesus has met me there. Right where I was....angry, confused, dejected and feeling very "alonely" in a world that kept on buzzing by. My sweetest times with God have been when I was so down that I didn't know which way was up. He was there....at the bottom of the pit with me. I don't know what the road for Jada looks like...I know there could very well be some pitfalls ahead for her and that at times, she may well could.......feel very alone. And I cringe....because I. DON'T. WANT. THAT. But, this is her disease and one day, it will be hers to fight on her own. I know how much grace I need to get through my day...what about her? My prayer for Jada....and all our kids....is to know that Jesus is there....and that He will meet them right where they are.

Goodbye Sam and Coops

I'm packing up baby food, bottles, diapers, wipes and extra clothes. Not my kids, but Sam and Cooper's things. And I'm getting very sad. These two kiddos have become a part of our family since I started to babysit them last fall. Today is their last day here.

Cooper was just a few months old and Samantha was 2 going on 10! Sam is a bundle of energy, always on the go, always curious, and always laughing. There's been a TON of little girl laughter in this home the past several months as she and Jada danced their way through the cold winter months in their dress up clothes. Cooper has been my snugglebug. I've loved every minute with him. He rolled over for the first time on my living room floor and it's been a joy to watch him progress from teeny tiny to now beginning to toddle around on two feet. He'll be 10 months old on Monday.

We're going to miss you, Sam and Cooper! I'm predicting LOTS of playdates in the future!!!

A Little Bit of Catch Up

I've been absent lately. I know. When I'm on, it seems like I catch up on Facebook and just don't have time to sit and get my thoughts together to blog. We're doing well. Jada's numbers for the most part have been fairly stable....with the exception of a HI that we got yesterday, then after washing her hands, we got somewhere in the 360's. It was really rather random....she had been with me all morning and I know where the Easter candy was! And it was nowhere NEAR her! I think the ole' D monster just wanted to remind me that he's still there!

The other big, HUGE change coming for our family is that I am getting a JOB! I haven't worked outside our home since before David was born, so this will be an adjustment! The company I'm working for cleans and caters airplanes at the airport. As tourist season comes into full swing, I will be assisting elderly and handicapped in wheelchairs off and on the airplanes. It will be 3-4 days a week in the evening, so child care won't be an issue for the kids. And....there are flight benefits! :) I start next week!

If you remember a few months ago, my niece got married. Jeff's cousin from Seattle came up to photograph the wedding and posted a slide show of the wedding on her web site. There are a few photos of the girls in there and just wanted to share it. I know a few of you live in the Washington/Oregon area and if you ever need a photographer to capture moments/events, Kim is absolutely amazing! If you want to take a look, go here.

Well...that will catch you up a bit for now. Life here in the far north has been BUSY!

A Shout Out

My friend Rachel at Sugar, Spice & More Things Nice celebrated her four year D-Anniversary this week....her date is just one day after Jada's, so I feel somewhat of a connection to her! I LOVE the post that she wrote in regards to the big D-day and just wanted to share. You can find Rachel HERE.

HAPPY D ANNIVERSARY RACHEL!!

Low Blood Sugar = High Emotion

My emotions are still running high this morning after we had a pretty close call last night. I still feel on edge...you just can't fully trust any number. Even this morning, she wanted oatmeal for breakfast, which usually means no matter how long I make her wait to eat, she skyrockets. Not so this morning...she just told me she felt low and after testing, was 120. Yes...a great number, but she's falling fast and we have another two hours before lunch.

So.....last night. Jada's bedtime number was 142. Again, great number, but I assumed she was still coming down. We didn't eat dinner until nearly 7 pm, which is just too late. Her blood sugar at dinner was 307 and I actually only corrected for her blood sugar....I didn't even give her enough insulin to cover the 30 grams of carbs that she ate because it was so late for a shot. So, when her blood sugar was 142 at bedtime, I let her eat a whole banana....about 30 grams when I typically only would give her half. I thought for sure that would stablize things and then I would check her a little earlier than normal to catch a drop. About 45 minutes after she fell asleep, Eli came out of his room and told us that he could hear Jada "being crabby" and thought we needed to check her. I jumped up to get her meter and then here she came, stumbling down the hallway. Head was bobbing and she was incoherently talking. I grabbed some juice and Jeff took her blood sugar. 50. Obviously in a full on CRASH. She fought the juice, fought the glucose tabs....she wasn't there. Jeff finally just stuck the juice straw in her mouth and once she started to drink, she couldn't get it down fast enough. Then, some glucose tabs. 20 minutes later she was up to 81. An hour after that, she was only up to 99, so I fed her some more and when she got up to 130, I put her back in bed then set my alarm for 1:30 am. Well, there was no need for that, because I couldn't sleep. At 1:30, she was 240, so I went to bed, but never really slept.

This morning, I'm tired. Not even 3 cups of coffee have touched me. It's so much more than physically tired. I'm just spent. All I can think about is the what ifs. Jeff was more freaked out than I had ever seen him. And Eli....poor kid. It really scared him. I found him late last night with a pillow and blanket sleeping in the hallway next to the girl's bedroom. I don't want him to feel that he's responsible for his sister. It's too big of a burden for him to bear at his age.

It's nights like last night that makes me wonder how we'll ever make it through this. Not because I can't do the legwork that comes with it, but because it's just one big monster that's a force to be reckoned with. And in saying that, I feel like I'm wimping out. But, I'm not. I'll never surrender. I just need to regroup!

2 Years

2 years ago today, it was Easter Sunday. 3 of my 4 children were running around our little Texas apartment filling their Easter baskets with candy while Jada lay motionless on the couch. That scene is forever burned in my mind. I KNEW something was very wrong when she wouldn't even attempt to sit up and join in on some of the excitement. Her breathing was labored...she had the flu, so I thought we were looking at complications from the virus that had afflicted our household over the previous 10 days. I loaded up the kids, took Jeff to work, which was just a mile or so from the hospital, and took her first to an urgent care, where they wouldn't even look at her. They instructed me to take her straight to the ER. I called Jeff on the way to the ER and told him that I would keep him updated. At the ER, they immediately gave her oxygen and the next thing I know, Jeff was there. He had ran all the way from work to the hospital. The nurse gave us the initial diagnosis. She could smell the ketones and told us that she thought we would have a diagnosis of diabetes. They took her blood sugar and it was 430....with very large ketones. She was in DKA. I remember them trying to explain to me what it was and trying to understand what it all meant. I thought they would admit her there, but then they said they weren't able to take care of her there and that she would have to be transported by ambulance to Texas Childrens Hospital in downtown Houston. I had NO idea just how sick she was. So, they started an insulin drip and we waited for the Kangaroo Crew to come and get her. The Kangaroo Crew is the EMT team from Texas Children's. When they finally arrived, I knew that Jada was in good hands. They had seen little ones in DKA before and they knew what she needed and what I needed as well. At this point, Jada was in and out of conciousness.....I tried to tell myself that she was sleeping but I knew deep down that we were on the veerge of losing her. The ride to Texas Children's from Katy in the ambulance was the longest ride of my life. They wouldn't let me sit next to her....I had to ride up front and when we arrived, they took her to the PICU without me. I remember wondering if she was going to be alive the next time I saw her. When I was able to get to the 3rd floor, and they took me back to her, I was so overwhelmed. I was by myself. Jeff had taken the other kids home. We had no family....just a few new friends because we had just moved to Texas a few months before. I called Jeff to tell him that she was in the PICU and he was shocked. He had no idea how sick she was. I remember calling my mom to keep her updated and then she offered to fly down. I fell apart on the phone, because I knew that we needed help and we had no one. I shouldn't say we had no one, because the previous week, I had connected with a college friend on Facebook who I discovered lived 15 minutes from us. She ended up taking Mary Beth for the evening so that Jeff could bring the boys down to the hospital. They told us she would be in the PICU for a couple of days, but Jada stabilized quickly and 24 hours later, we had moved to the 11th floor and our intensive training in Type 1 Diabetes began.


That's our diagnosis story in a nutshell. 2 years ago, my world came to a crashing halt. I had no idea what the future held. I didn't know if I could keep her alive, but did know that I would do everything in my power to educate myself and learn how to make her feel like a normal kid. Now, she's almost 5. They told me that around 5, she would begin to really have some awareness and begin to take part in her care. Her birthday is in a month and this last week, she took on taking her own blood sugar! Can you believe that we've only wasted one test strip? It's been amazing to watch. She's also describing her lows to me....that she's shaky, dizzy, hungry....all of those things. Jada even asked me yesterday if she did something to cause her diabetes. (yeah...that was a gut wrencher!) It's like I'm seeing a whole new side of her coming out with this new awareness. 2 years ago, I didn't see this day coming. I couldn't see through to the next few hours hardly. But here we are and it's just the way our life is. Sleepless nights, lows, highs, ketones, sore fingers, shots, a pump coming (geesh..I'm tired of waiting for that approval!), and most of all, watching Jada grow into a much stronger person because of it and meeting some amazing people along the way.

I wonder where we'll be 2 years from now??

March Madness

March Madness has hit the house. I'm not talking basketball, either! I'm talking about this mama going MAD with cabin fever! February was far too kind to us weather-wise. We were ABOVE zero most of February....ABOVE. ZERO. That's huge. We hit 40 degrees. In FEBRUARY. I had my kitchen window open. Sheer craziness for Fairbanks, Alaska. Tempting us, messing with our minds...that winter was just about over....and of course it worked. We must be crazy anyhow to live this far north, right?

And then Spring Break this week. Once again, that spring word. We were hoping to be out and about....doing some fun things. Going to the World Ice Art Championships, sledding, skiing. But no....we were waking up to -17, -20, -8. And to top it off.... a doozy of a migraine (my meds didn't even come close to touching it! grrr...) on Tuesday then add to that a head cold that has just become worse as the week as worn on. Jeff's truck needs a new battery, so we are down to one vehicle until he can get that fixed. So...all of that combined....means stuck. at. home. All week.

And I thought I would lose my mind today. Now...yesterday, the boys did get to go cross country skiing with a friend--for which I am VERY grateful. But today, they were literally bouncing off the walls, the couch, the floor and each other. I woke up in a somewhat irritable mood and it just wasn't a good mix. And if the kids weren't bouncing off of something or each other, they wanted to be all over me. It was just one of those crazy days. Just off. Not right. So, I sent the boys out for a hike. It was around 0 degrees...so they bundled up and off they went. The girls went in their room and played and I breathed in the silence. :)

March Madness is pretty typical for most Alaskans. It's the month that everyone everywhere else is talking and heralding spring. We may have up to a month of snow on the ground yet. However, we've been indoors for so long. In and out of a warm house to a warm car to another warm place. We DO get out and enjoy the winters here as much as possible...but there is a point where it's too cold and too dangerous to be out too long. February this year was great. We were able to get outside a lot...which is why many of us are having a hard time right now. This year, March has been colder than the previous month. February faked us out and we fell for it.

I feel like I've rambled on somewhat disjointed...thoughts scatttered...but it is so how I'm feeling right now. Really things are good....I'm just ready for some warmth and the ability for my kids to go outside when ever they need to go...that even means the middle of the night here in the summer time! haha! Which...all that light we have in the summer....we're gaining about 7 minutes a day....so close to an hour a week. It's coming. I just need to hang on.

Kindergarten? Already?

It hit me like a sack of potatoes. I woke up last Thursday morning with the realization that Jada will be ready for kindergarten this year. She turns 5 at the end of April.....my other kids were all 6 when they started kindergarten simply because of where their birthdays fell. She knows her letters, is writing more neatly than my 9 year old and can color inside the lines. I know those things aren't necessarily the most important in determining her readiness. She's also fairly mature for her age, which I just may be able to partly thank diabetes for (wow- did I just "thank" diabetes?). And she has a curious mind...if I didn't start her in school, it would be to her detriment. I'm not one for holding my child back just because it's convenient. Give them wings....watch them fly. One of the greatest thrills of my life!

We've been a mostly homeschooling family until this last year , when, for so many reasons, we put them in public school. It was a good decision...I love our school...the principal is great...the teachers have been amazing and our kids are thriving. They still get plenty of "school time" at home- Jeff and I are always right there when they doing homework and we get plenty of "talk time"- debriefing and sometimes helping them to "detox" from some of the crap that happens in a public school setting. Overall, very happy with our decision and it's allowed us to get a better glimpse of the community that we live in. That's important to us because THE reason we moved back is for ministry....and you can't minister very well if you don't know the community you live in.

We're also a big believer in the individuality of each child and how that pertains to the way they learn. Our oldest is very visual....he's a reader and will retain anything as long as he can see it and read it. Our second, is very kinesthetic....he HAS to move...he has to touch....he has to DO...and then he gets it and gets it VERY well. Mary Beth is like her oldest brother....very visual and retains things well by just reading. Because we recognize that they all learn differently, we always said that we would always take things year by year according to what their educational needs were...and it's worked very well. All 3 kids are at the top of their class.....we loved parent- teacher conferences a few weeks ago...we got to sit and listen to teachers tell us how well our kids are doing academically, how they are leaders in their class, and that they get along with everyone. Couldn't have been prouder. But I also left wondering, what would this be like with Jada? Would they tell us that diabetes is just too much for her and school? Would they be as supportive?

I've sat and read many blogs and Facebook and have hurt with you...my D-moms- about the various struggles that come with school and this blasted disease. I'm always amazed at your strength and the maturity of your beautiful kids and their ability to manage their diabetes at school. I've also seen some of you deal with obstinate teachers, nurses and administrators who are literally messing with your children's lives...and yet you handle it SO well. I don't know how you do it. You absolutely amaze me.

So now...how do we do this with Jada? It's been on my mind for a long time...but now it's time to make some decisions. The more Jeff and I have thought about it, the more we do believe that homeschooling will be the best option for the first 3-4 years- maybe longer if we want to. We've done it before....it's not a hard or scary thing for us...actually, it's a pretty natural thing for me to do. Our school district has a homeschooling program....so we wouldn't have to pay for any text books and STILL get to choose our own curriculum..and Jada would be able to take up to two classes at our school--anything that we want...but I'm thinking it will be things like music and PE initially. To me, this is a great way to get her introduced to the school, introduce the school to diabetes (the school nurse has never had a diabetic child in her care) and let her feel a little like her brothers and sister...being a part of the school community that has become important to them.

So that's where we are. My baby will be a kindergartner this year....I'm actually having a tough time getting over that fact. She's growing up...moving ever away from me in her independence. I know, it's all good...it really is. We're heading into a new and different stage of life...change is just hard.