Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Vigilance

I'm sitting here- wishing I could go to bed, but need to wait at least another 45 minutes to check Jada to make sure she's going to make it through the night okay.  Never in a million years would I have believed you if had told me that when my baby was 3 1/2 years old would I still worry about her in the middle of the night.  You know what it's like when you bring your newborn home- wondering why they're sleeping so long and hoping to see their little tummy moving up and down rhythmically when you go in to check on them.  Being extra quiet so you can hear them breathe in and out.  Remember those times when they took a deep breath in...then held it long enough for you to begin to panic ever so slightly, then you heard the soft sound of them breathing out, then getting back into their rhythmic breathing pattern?
I do all of that again with Jada.  She crawled into bed with me early this morning.  I wasn't concerned with her being low- at her check last night she was at a perfect number for getting through the night.  As she lay there and fell asleep, I was just naturally in tune with her breathing and there was a moment when she drew in a deep breath and didn't let it out for a very long (or so it seemed) time.  Until this moment, I was never really struck with how much I do this.  Day and night.  For her nap, I am in her room every 20 minutes or so just to make sure she hasn't dropped on me.  Until I go to bed at night, I check on her about every 30 minutes just to make sure I see that little chest raising up and down.
I also remember that feeling of wanting my kids to just get a "little" older so that I could experience a little more freedom.  Not having to worry about midnight feedings and whether or not they could die from something like SIDS.   Midnight feedings happen more often now than they did when my kids were babies.  And now I know that she has something potentially life threatening and it will kill her if I'm not vigilant.  Vigilance is hard and tiring and there are so many days that I long for my pre-diabetes life.  I'm tired of this disease.

8 comments:

Sheila said...

Amy! I cannot imagine! Lifting you up right now before the Father. Praying your worries melt away about Jada and that you just get onto it that GOD has got her right in the palm of His hand. Good job doing it and doing it and doing it and doing it. She is in our prayers too as is your whole family.

Jill Johnson said...

I'm so sorry, my dear, sweet friend, that you both have to face this each day. I cannot imagine the fear you feel, and the responsibility, too. God knew what He was doing in giving you as Jada's mommy. He knew you were up for the task, even on those many days when you don't feel up to it. Praying for you...

(On a lighter note, do you mean you're supposed to grow out of that checking-to-see-if-they're-breathing thing? I just did it an hour or so ago to M. There's a slight relief when she has a cold as I can hear her breathing through the monitor then.=p)

Jill said...

Amy... I STILL do that with Kacey and it's been nearly 8 months since she was diagnosed! One little breath of relief you can try... a baby monitor :) I never used them when my girls were babies but we bought one when we came home from the hospital with Kacey because I was scared to let her sleep in her room alone :( At least I can hear her moan or whine with that and I can go in and check her. I get a little more sleep than I used to and it gives you a little peace knowing you CAN hear her! I keep it turned all the way up so if she just whines then Frankie & I are both jumping out of the bed LOL!

I still don't sleep in at all! I get up at 5:30am and before I do anything I go in and check Kacey and do a morning sugar check without her knowing ;) once I know shes breathing and her sugar is in range then I can go on and do what I have to do. I do this on the weekends too!! Thats why we can't wait for the pump :) Plus...any pump alarms can be heard over the baby monitor. So it's worth buying!!

***Big Hugs***

Penny said...

My son had had D for almost 3 1/2 years. He was 3 when he was diagnosed. He gets his sugar checked several times during the night. Still, the first thing I do every single morning is go in his room and listen for his breathing or watch for his chest to rise.

Like Jill, we too used a baby monitor for a while. We don't use one anymore. But, it was a great help to me at the time.

(((hug)))

:) Tracie said...

Amy...
My daughter is 8 1/2....she's the last thing I check and the first thing I check each and every day. I have not had a solid nights sleep for 7 years. Maybe 4-5 hours of straight sleep a night, but always up and checking in the middle of the night and sometimes more depending on sugar levels.
It's this disease that keeps us on our toes, and trust me I'd rather be flat footed!

You are doing all you humanly can....the rest is up to The Lord. Keep diligently praying and keep looking up to The Lord for strength and stamina and well being and all will be fine. Maybe not the fine we want right this minute now, but fine in The Lord's hands!

Amy said...

It's so good to know that I'm not alone in what I'm dealing with! I think maybe the baby monitoring is definitely worth considering! After reading my blog again- I totally feel like a whiner!! It hasn't even been a full year since diagnosis!! All of you have dealt with this for years- my hats are off to you! It's tough!

Penny said...

I didn't read your post and think you're a whiner. I read your post and thought you sound just like the mother of a child with type 1 diabetes. This disease is tough to deal with. It is unrelenting. It's not just the numbers and the finger pokes, it's watching what this disease does to your child, fearing what it might do to your child.

And, as far as me (and others) dealing with it for several years, that really doesn't matter. To be honest, I had a lot harder time with it all several months in than I do now.

Please don't ever feel like you're whining. Or, even if you do end up whining, it's OK, because we understand exactly how you're feeling and why.

Amy said...

Thanks Penny! Your comments helped me feel so much better!